Couches are fantastic feats of modern engineering. Of all pieces of furniture, they’re easily my favorite. They’re versatile resting apparatuses which can be sat on, or, if you’re an asshole in a crowded study space, laid upon. 

So naturally, I tend to be selective about the kinds of couches I sit on. Be they leather or fabric, my butt is attuned to any couch’s comfort and function.

1. Bio Reading Room: Perfectly worn, in all the right places. This baby molds right to any bottom that comes its way. Mid-day naps or chatting up the hottie in your seminar are great uses of this multi-purpose chaisé. 
2. Third Floor Ascension: Regal. Refined. Powerful. These are the marks of someone worthy of sitting in the Ascension Hall couches. A few brave souls might even venture a nap on these, but that is an improper use of their splendor. Excellent couches, but with great power comes great responsibility.
3. Peirce Atrium: God these suck so much. Just try sitting upright on one of these. The cushion slips out and you’re left sitting at a forty-five degree angle. If pleather could hate, I’d say that these couches wanted us dead. I can’t express how awful these couches are.
4. Keith’s Hanna Double: We all know Keith has great taste in decor. I never say no to a pre-game in Keith’s room because I get the chance to rest my sore bottom on that wonderful cushion.
5. Gund Gallery: Weird. Sterile. In that blindingly white room, devoid of any warmth or comfort, I feel sanity start to unravel. Who could ever feel comfortable sitting here? I’ll tell you who: Graham Gund. He is a robot sent from the future to destroy fun and stop people from dancing.
6. AD Lounge: Another bad one. These babies will just suck you right in, and they have no intention of letting you out. I once saw a first-year try to sit down on one of those couches before anyone could warn them. Legend has it they’re still falling to this day.