How I Became the Rat King of Mount Vernon

Before I get into this, I must assert that this story is a fully factual TRUE EXPERIENCE that I had during my second ever visit to Mount Vernon. There are no exaggerations, metaphors, or hyperboles. This is just my life. I have been crowned the rat king of Mount Vernon.

Here’s how it went down.

My friends and I really wanted some french toast, and decided to fulfill this desire by going to a diner in Mount Vernon. We feasted like kings (not rat kings yet, just normal ones), and when we were finished we went to our designated shuttle stop. It could’ve ended there. But really, that’s how it all began.

My friends and I sat outside of Rite Aid for over an hour before realizing we probably were supposed to meet the KAT at the Wright Center. Such an innocent mistake. Such intense consequences.

Soon, we became aware that the shuttles had stopped running for the night. We were going to have to get creative if we ever wanted to get free from the Mount and return to campus. We did what anyone in our position would do. We started wandering aimlessly.

As we walked up and down the streets, I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong. I looked behind me instinctively only to find that one of my friends was missing. In her place remained only a trail of cheddar cheese crumbs. I had no idea where they came from. They were just kind of there. I pointed them out to my second friend, and we resolved to follow the trail. Logically, we concluded it MUST lead to our missing companion.

We traced the trail down the sidewalk for a while, until it led us to an underground tunnel beneath Walmart. We heard a commotion and knew there must be someone down there.

Much to our surprise, it wasn’t someone, but some rats. They were conducting some form of business. I wasn’t precisely sure what. It seemed very mafia-like, but also like they may have been involved in some assembly-line style mass production. Of whatever rats produce. Whatever was going on, it was a well-oiled machine. I was stunned. And even more stunned when I saw my friend locked in a cage assembled entirely of mousetraps. The rats had gotten her! I knew I had to act fast if I wanted to save my friend. And act even faster if I wanted to ever continue getting my good old liberal arts education.

So I fought a rat. We mostly kick-boxed. It went on for a while until he got tired and surrendered.

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