So you wanna be warm and not cold? Here are some tips to do just that…

Now that it’s winter the panini press isn’t just for kids making sandwiches or the freaks who use it to DIY stir fry. It’s for warmth. Go ahead! take off your mittens and rest your hands on the lines. Since it’s cuffing season why not celebrate by putting your hand in with someone special and feel your skin melt together. The ultimate cuff. 

Pull a Leo DiCaprio in that one movie that he won an Oscar for. If you don’t have a horse you can go down to the farm and grab one of their goats. If you kill that goat you can hide inside of it for a 98.6 degree warmth. 

Mind over matter. Just say to yourself “It’s not that cold. It’s a warm sunny day and I’m on a beach and there is a beautiful warm sun above me and… below me? Oh my god the sun exploded and it’s so hot, jesus f***, it’s so hot and we’re all dying. We’re the new dinosa–”

If you do it right you should trade the pain in your body for the pain in your mind. 

Fascism may not be cool but book burning really is a great way to stave off a cold night. Plus everything’s digital now.