So, you just went halfsies with your roommate on a used juicer from Goodwill. We’ve all been there. I bet you’re just itching to test out your new appliance on some fun new foods, but wait! I’m here to instruct you on the proper uses of your juice-o-matic through the fun and relatable medium of foods from Peirce Dining Hall.

1. Apples: Great choice! Apples, when juiced, produce apple juice. Or I guess technically apple cider. The difference is apple juice is pasteurized and filtered to remove coarse particles, while cider is the raw juice of the apple. Either way, it’s a delicious fall drink, and is a perfectly logical use of your new juicer.
2. Bananas: Perplexingly, if you juice a banana, you will not get banana juice. I know, I was just as surprised as you. You just end up with a banana pulp, which is even less appetizing than a regular banana. Not a great use of the juice(r).
3. Soup: Nope. Already in liquid form, you can’t do much else to it. Although it does pose the question, if you juice a broth, is it still a broth, or has the process of juicing made it a salty juice?
4. Onions: Ok, so you’ve run out of fruit because apples are the only thing Peirce has in abundance. But your next choice is onions? Before even carrots? You’re a sick twisted juicer. Ok so apparently onion juice is an actual thing, it stimulates hair growth and allegedly has a bunch of health benefits. Call me close-minded, but it’s a goddamn raw onion and I’m not drinking it. I cannot in good conscience recommend this use of your juicer.
5. Pasta: Now we’re just talking about Peirce entrées. This is an unacceptable use of your juicer. I don’t want to taste your disgusting pasta water.
6. Asian Noodles: This list is just making me realize how little access we have to fresh produce in Peirce. Juicing Asian noodles might just create a soup broth, in which case see #3.
7. Brisk Iced Tea: You can’t liquefy something that’s already a liquid. Just drink your Brisk Iced Tea in its original form. I don’t know anymore. There’s truly only one, maybe two viable juice candidates on this list and I’m getting sad.