Zoinks! Have you heard the news? Students and Texans alike were disappointed when this year’s Senior Soirée went by without an official announcement of the commencement speaker, but The Thrill has some insider information. Beto “Skater Boi” O’Rourke was so very pleased about The Thrill‘s endorsement that not only has he jumped back into the race (who even knew he’d dropped out?), but he’s also decided to do something for us! That’s right, Beto “#1 Rock Band Fiend” O’Rourke is Kenyon College’s Class of 2020 Commencement Speaker!

According to our source, the presidential drop-out turned presidential drop-in has requested to switch up the usual commencement ceremony—instead of speaking to new grads from a fancy-schmancy stage, Beto “Robert” O’Rourke plans to impart his wisdom from atop a New Side Table. He will be joined by Kenyon’s very well-known “indie band” Sunflower Suture and will definitely attempt to crowd surf after declaring, “This is the first day of the rest of your hard-rockin’ lives.” Many thanks, Master Beto O’Rourke. We salute you.

As it is the celebration of 50 years of Women at Kenyon, some students have called for the administration to choose a woman to represent the college’s commitment to inclusivity and diversity. However, we at The Thrill fully stand behind the selection of Beto “Call Me Danger, Pwetty Pwease” O’Rourke. While he may not be a bitch, we think he’s totally bitchin’.