A Gift Guide for Every Type of Kenyon Acquaintance!

Like the holidays, social interactions are stressful and exhausting. To help get you through this holiday season, I’ve found the perfect gift for all of the B-plot relationships that make Kenyon, Kenyon. Happy Holidays!

Give your CA… 

  • Attendance at their next program

Give your Orientation Week bestie… 

  • A bottle of Malibu, since you drank all of theirs

Give your friends who’ve been a couple since freshman year… 

  • Something off the registry

Give the former hookup you no longer say hi to… 

  • A view on their Instagram story

Give the former hookup you still say hi to… 

  • A view their Instagram story

Give their ex who looks just like you… 

  • A nice facemask. Women supporting women!

Give the former friend you had a massive falling out with… 

  • An apology. You felt like they blew you off when they got into a relationship and you lashed out, but you realize now that they were just a convenient outlet for your deeper insecurities and fears of abandonment, and you’re sorry.  

Give the former friend’s former boyfriend who was the reason you had a massive falling out…

  • A view on their Instagram story 

Give your current friend’s current hookup who you do not trust and will not make excuses for

  • A warning. Brandon. 

Give the Mather Raccoons… 

  • Space

Give your freshman year roommate… 

  • Back their t-shirt, chem notebook, phone charger (just the cube part), like five unmatched socks, you think that’s their sweater cuz you don’t recognize it? 

Give the professor you really like but continually let down… 

  • Nothing. Just finish the semester and leave the poor guy alone

Give your advisor… 

  • A “Happy holidays!” in your next email

Give your unofficial advisor who you tell too much about your personal life… 

  • A “Happy holidays” in a card 

Give your English 104 professor… 

  • A link to an article in Harper’s you thought they might be interested in! I know it’s been a while, I kept meaning to make an office hours appointment but I’ve just been so busy and suddenly three years have passed! Anyways I’m thinking of applying for a fellowship and I’ve always considered you a mentor even though I haven’t seen you since freshman year, and if you have the time, would you consider writing me a letter of recommendation? I completely understand if you’re too busy, I’m sure you get so many requests. Just let me know, and do check out that article! Thank you so much!

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