Breaking: 2020 Commencement Speaker Announced, Vol. 2

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Oh BROTHER! Have you heard this week’s buzz on the hill? After Beto was forced to give up the commencement speakership after saying that a square could never be president, President Decatur’s cronies have given us here at The Thrill an insider scoop into the new commencement speaker for the Kenyon College Class of 2020. You heard it here first! Hank “Brother of John” Green says it’s finally “his turn” to be in the limelight and offer his sage advice for those of us getting out of here.

Our sources shared that the Hankster is super excited to show Kenyon what he is made of apart from the Vlogbrothers and trying to be as impressive as his big bro Johnny. According to an anonymous administrator, little Hanky nabbed the gig by convincing his mommy to make a call on his behalf. “After the phone call—which, honestly, we thought was a prank—President Decatur received thousands of messages from ‘nerdfighters’ warning us that if Hank wasn’t chosen, we could forget about being awesome,” reported the administrator. “We’re still unsure exactly what that means, but we need those future Moxie-lover to keep applying, so Hank it is.”

Green is still unsure whether to actually deliver his speech on the prestigious stage or to go back to his roots and vlog his speech from the comfort of his vlog studio. There has been speculation as to whether Hank the Tank will explain the French Revolution in under 10 minutes or the rise of the Industrial Revolution. Dealers choice?

Student reactions have been somewhat positive thus far.

“Oh, isn’t that the guy who helped me pass APUSH?”

“Mom and dad, don’t come.”

2 responses

  1. Pingback: Breaking: 2020 Commencement Speaker Announced Vol. 3 « The Kenyon Thrill

  2. Pingback: 2020 Commencement Speaker Announced (For Real This Time) « The Kenyon Thrill

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