Oh man oh man oh boy my friends It’s the BIG GAME! The OSCARS OF SPORTS!!! The SUPER BOWL ALS LIV!!!!!

I am a big fat fucking football fan and I have spent my whole year counting down to this one epic event! I love everything about it! The shiny helmets! The cool graphics that float over the field! The close-ups of the coaches’ pursed lips!

But most of all I love the parties. I throw a rager every year and invite the entire campus (see you in Hayes 109  tomorrow @ 6:30!!!), but if for some reason you want to have your own smaller lamer super bowl party, here’s how to throw a traditional American super bowl party!

• First thing’s first, keep the beer FLOWING. Make sure it’s AMERICAN! Coors or PBR ONLY! Budweiser is technically an American company but it sure doesn’t sound like it!
• Everyone should be boozed enough that commercials illicit extreme, overwhelming emotions. If the Pepsi ad with toddlers in it doesn’t make you cry, keep drinking!
• Food must remind guests of their own mortality. Snacks should be FRIED. They should have LAYERS. And be smothered in CHEESE. For every celery stick provided, you must add one POUND of ranch dressing.
• The Patriots aren’t in the super bowl this year, so their fans are NOT ALLOWED. In fact, they are legally barred from watching the show! Tom Brady is lying low at a natural spa in Iceland. Dunkin’ Donuts won’t even be open tomorrow. Oh well!
• Concussion headbands must be provided! Party hats: tired. Protective headgear: WIRED.
• If you don’t drop everything and stand for the National Anthem, you will be arrested. Not for political reasons, but because Demi Lovato is singing it and her fans are scary.
• J-Lo and Shakira are doing the halftime show and if you don’t make at least one comment about how “good they look for their age” the second half of the game is CANCELLED.
• If someone tries to start a discussion about Colin Kaepernick, that’s a red card. 
• Your afterparty should be a screening of the Aaron Hernandez documentary. I’ve organized a midnight showing at the Gund Gallery Community Foundation Theater. Co-sponsored by Cinearts. 

Now go put on your non-Patriots jerseys, strap into your concussion bands, and shotgun a Coors!