Breaking: 2020 Commencement Speaker Announced Vol. 3


HEY YOU, LOOK SHARP! Have you heard the news?! Ann “spouse of Graham” Gund is legitimately going to be this year’s commencement speaker and you heard it here first. That’s right we may have fooled you once, we may have fooled you twice but this time, the jig is up. It’s Ann, folks.

According to our sources, the college has been on the hunt for a woman with the “connects” and Ann fits the mark. Ann plans to deliver her speech from a newly built commencement stage that costs $75 million, emphasizes natural lighting, is LEED bronze-certified, and of course, is anonymously donated by her husband Graham Gund. The completion of Ann’s speech is planned for May 16th, 2020; however, it’s now looking like that timeline may be a little ambitious, so she’ll finish it by Fall Semester 2050. The class of 2020 maybe in their 50s by then, but the college feels this is “our path forward”.

Student responses to the news have been supportive, but rather lackadaisical:

“Hey, at least it isn’t Graham Gund or John Green.”

“I guess its only fitting the Gunds have the final word.”

“I just hope we don’t graduate in the KAC.”


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