The Academy Awards are tomorrow!!! Hollywood’s biggest, whitest celebs will get all dolled up to celebrate the biggest, whitest achievements of the year. I am by no means an authority on movies, but I am an authority on good taste in general, so I’ve filled out an Oscar ballot for the biggest awards of the night!

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE  

• Adam Driver Punching A Wall, Marriage Story 
• Antonio Banderas, Shrek 2
• Leonardo DiCaprio, He’s already won it’s not as exciting this time
• Joaquin Phoenix’s Veganism, Joker  
• Jude Law, The Young Pope
• MY VOTE: Adam Sandler’s Dramatic Range, Uncut Gems (He was ROBBED)

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE  

• Tom Hanks’s Nonthreatening White Fatherly Appeal, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood  
• Anthony Hopkins, Silence Of the Two Popes 
• Al Pacino, The Irishman
• Joe Pesci, The Irishman
• James Joyce, An Irishman
• MY VOTE: Brad Pitt’s Acceptance Speech, The 2020 SAG Awards

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE 

• Cynthia Erivo’s Performance No One Is Talking About Enough Because America Hates Black Women, Harriet 
• Scarlett Johansson, also Harriet
• Charlize Theron, just being Megyn Kelly
• Renée Zellweger, I Haven’t Seen Judy but She Seems Lovely and I’m Happy For Her 
• MY VOTE: Saoirse Ronan, Little Women. I don’t have a joke for this one. She’s perfect.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE 

• Margot Robbie’s Feet, Once upon a Time…in Hollywood
• Laura Dern, Little Wom–– nvm, Marriage Story  
• Kathy Bates, IDK but it’s Kathy Bates
• Scarlett Johansson Again For Some Reason, Jojo Rabbit 
• MY VOTE: Florence Pugh and All the Amys Out There, Little Women

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM  

• How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World  
• I Lost My Body 
• Klaus  
• Missing Link  
• Toy Story 4
• MY VOTE: Up??? I didn’t see any of these

DIRECTING 

• White Men
• MY VOTE: Bong Joon-ho

BEST PICTURE

• Cars 
• Irish The Godfather
• Hitler Comedy
• Joker…I guess
• Divorce :( 
• Finally, Representation for World War I
• That Quentin Tarantino Movie. No, Not Pulp Fiction, the One With Leo. No Not Django. The One With All the Murders–– You Know What, It Doesn’t Matter.
• MY VOTE:  Parasite AND Little Women

The writer’s decision to back not one but two nominees is a significant break with convention, one that is meant to address the “realist” and “radical” models being presented to voters by the 2020 Academy Awards. While arguing that Quentin Tarantino must be defeated, the writer does not take a position on the best path forward for movie-goers, writing that both films “warrant serious consideration.”