Peirce Hooch

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It is shockingly easy to ferment fruit and make alcohol out of it, a product colloquially known as “hooch.” Various prisons try to crack down on the practice but, given that it pretty much only requires fruit, sugar, and an airlock, the tradition of hooch continues. And wouldn’t you know, fruit and sugar and both things we have in our lovely dining hall, Peirce. I thought one day, while getting yet another banana from the servery, that perhaps I could be getting more bang for my buck. Perhaps, I could be making Peirce Hooch.

note: the Kenyon Thrill does not recommend that anyone tries this at home, especially underage readers or anyone who enjoys things that taste good.

Armed with two bananas, a disposable coffee cup of apple juice, and eleven packets of sugar, I began the process of boiling, straining, and airlocking to make my home-brewed masterpiece. After two weeks fermenting in the airlock, the hooch was finally ready to be unleashed upon the world.

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Here are the reviews!

“It looks almost hairy.”

“It is suprisingly inoffensive. Yeasty. Looks like dishwater.”

“It smells evil. It smells like vomit. It’s fine. It’s not good. I would not drink this for fun.”

“I really want to taste it. It looks like stale urine. It smells like meat. It’s all the worst parts of apple and banana. It’s awful. I’m still drinking it, yeah.”

“Looks opaque. [gags] That’s literally the worst thing I’ve smelled ever. Oh God.”

“It’s like pretty mild. It smells way worse than it tastes. It smells like vomit.”

“It does taste like a banana.”

“Oh. Yeah. Like banana water something. It’s still fucking disgusting.”

“[gags] Oh my God. It’s not that bad. It’s so bad.”

“It smells like bologna. I like that it has a kombucha-esque taste.”

“It’s not bad! I would drink it again. If I had to choose like or dislike I would choose like. It’s a solid 6/10.”

“It’s like armpit but it’s not bad.”

“It’s bad, it’s really bad but I don’t think I’m gonna die which is what I expected.”

“It tastes like smells.”

“That smells like sauerkraut with ham mixed in it.”

“Honestly it’s growing on me. It almost smells like cinnamon now. Actually no it doesn’t.”

Well, there you have it! Peirce Hooch, the flagship beverage of the emerging Kenyon Thrill brewery. Look for it on Kroger shelves soon.

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