If nothing else, Kenyon College is a strict gulag where deviation from social norms is met with quick and brutal retaliation. God I love it here. So, despite our social codes being mostly unwritten, I decided to jot down the Seven Deadly Kenyon sins. Also how they are directly related to birds. Tag yourself if you don’t fear being “ostrich-ized” by your peers.
- Peirce PDA (Puffins): Your love is an inspiration but also really gross. I’m just chilling on New Side on a Monday afternoon, not even on my second helping of fries, when I catch two love birds arm in arm feeding each other food. Much like the puffin, they are mostly monogamous. Also, like the puffin, they are absolutely ridiculous to look at. I’m not bluffin’, don’t be a puffin.
- Stays Too Long After A Party Is Clearly Over (Pigeon): “Get out of my house.” “Please leave my Caples dingle.” “Sorry, Deb Ball is over.” If anyone has to say this to you regularly, you might be in danger of being a pigeon. You don’t know when you’re welcome somewhere, but on a deep, primal, level you don’t care. You’re just here for the bread.
- Arrives Far Too Early For A Party (Also Pigeon): If you show up to a party exactly at the time that it was advertised, you may as well be saying to the host “let’s have some one-on-one time for a little while.” I bet you get eight hours of sleep every night you trash-bag. You are also a pigeon, for the same reason as before.
- Knocks On A Closed Bathroom Stall (Goose): Much like geese, these people are violent and angry in their personal lives and decide to take it out on the people around them. Knocking on a closed bathroom stall is the supreme act of aggression, displaying disregard for anyone and anything. Geese are true sociopaths.
- Joins An A Capella Group (Flamingo): These birds might stand out in some environments, with their long legs and necks, their bright plumage and doo bop shoo wop a wallas. However among a group of other flamingos, they are indistinguishable from one another. Those who join a capella groups become part of that teeming mass of pink and lose their right to ever ask someone to be quiet in a study space ever again.
- Tries To Talk To People About What They’re Doing In Class (Magpie): Nobody cares except you. There is no reason that you should be trying to explain some esoteric subject to someone outside your major over a twenty-minute lunch. Much like the magpie, you are so distracted by what you are interested in that you don’t remember to consider the feelings of others. I haven’t read any Chaucer for a reason, I’m not asking you to explain it to me.
- Eats Anywhere Other Than Peirce During The Week (Turkey): Gaudy. Audacious. Luxuriant. The decadence and hedonism of these birds is rival to none. You’re telling me that if you don’t like what’s in Peirce you’ll just go somewhere else? Then you bring it back to campus and eat it here? You disgust me.