Dear Kenyon, Give Me Back My Belongings or I’ll Create Another A Capella Group

It’s September 12th, approximately 6 months since I left Kenyon and four weeks since I’ve stepped outside. Since then I’ve done many things, including investing all my savings into a mobile app and binge-reading the entire twilight series. I’ve taken three weeks of online classes without watching a single lecture, and I’ve even fallen in love with someone who is definitely not a video game character. The one thing I haven’t done is receive any of my belongings from my college. Not even the goldfish that is, unless by some miracle, very much dead. Dear Kenyon, I’ve asked nicely. Now I’m threatening you with the promise of 10 unaccompanied vocalists that will haunt the hill until eternity or Kenyon closes after a Covid outbreak (most likely the second one). 

It all began the first day of spring break, when the only virus plaguing Kenyon was alcoholism. I was packing my bags and made a fatal mistake: I didn’t take all my stuff back with me. Instead, I foolishly only took one backpack filled with essential items such as my passport, computer, and cold hard cash. Looking back, not renting a u-haul and loading it up with all my personal belongings and those delicious caramels from the bookstore is a decision I will always regret.

When the pandemic hit, I immediately filled out the online form to get my personal belongings sent back to me. Then I filled it out again. And again. And again. That’s right, I filled  that form out 4 four times. I probably should have just called, but in the moment it felt really productive. Here’s the kicker: I still have received a net total of zero belongings. 

I have since looked at the form and realized that it might have been the wrong form. I DON’T CARE. I need my stuff back and I’m not filling out one more form. Not one! (except for the one I was supposed to send my advisor two weeks ago. Dear Professor Heidt, if you’re reading this, the off campus study pre-approval form is on its way). 

If my stuff doesn’t get sent back to me by 5pm, I will start another a cappella group for each hour my personal belongings are not returned to me. If you’re interested in joining this acapella group, contact 1-800-223-666. That’s an idiot hotline! Do you really want to spend your glory days practicing part five of nobody cares so that twice a year you can sing in front of an auditorium completely filled with other people who are just waiting for their turn to sing? 

If so, Shrimp Shrimp is the right a cappella group for you. This premier vocal group will  consist of the best and brightest who will train to harmonize their voices with the sweet sweet melody of rotting fish. Auditions start Thursday at 2am (location TBD). 

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