Ever since Kenyon’s half-remote/half-in-person fall plan was announced, I’ve been fixated on one thing: The real estate value of converted singles around campus.

I’m a disgruntled senior performing arts major so the thought of sophomores paying a bargain price for a massive NCA dingle has been keeping me up at night.

To make myself more upset, I decided to calculate how much this semester’s housing would rent for in cities across America. I’m an HGTV hoe so I felt qualified to do this.

NOTE: Rent estimates are based mostly on crude Zillow averages and something called rentometer.com, and factor in size, location, amenities, what have you. It’s not scientific but I did my best.

Leonard Dingle (230sqft): Studio in Brooklyn, NY –– $2,500/mo

Bay windows? In Brooklyn? What are you, a movie star?

N.C.A (3br/2.5ba): Triplex in Los Angeles, CA –– $4500/mo

Find Suburban Bliss in the Gambier Hills! These highly-sought homes include:

• Light-filled, modern construction
• Full kitchen
• Open floor plan (Great for entertaining!)
• Charming patio and large outdoor space
• Woodland views
• Built-in shelving
• SKYLIGHTS!

Milk Apartment (4br/1ba): Townhouse in Chicago, IL –– $2,500/mo 

Located in a great neighborhood, with private backyards, convenient parking, and 80s-modern curb appeal, the Milks provide unpretentious Midwestern living.  And who doesn’t love townhouses?

Old K Bullseye (290 sqft): Studio in historic Boston, MA –– $2,800/mo

This HISTORIC PROPERTY located in the HEART OF CAMPUS is a UNIQUE MONUMENT to CAMPUS LIFE, LIBERTY, and FRATERNAL MISCONDUCT. 

Mather Dingle (180 sqft): Studio in Seattle, WA –– $1000/mo

Again that is in Mather.

New Apt (2br/1ba): Maine Cabin (I’m thinking Bar Harbor?) –– $5,000/mo

A rustic escape from the pressures of urbanity. 

Acland Apartment (3br/1ba): Entire house in Columbus, OH  –– $1,000/mo.

Had to throw in a reasonably-priced option (3 bedrooms!). The only thing pushing this over 1k is an in-unit laundry. Compare it to… 

Market & Farr Apartments (3br/1ba I think?): High-rise in Washington, DC –– $5,500/mo

As we say in the biz: Location, location, location! These brand-new homes have exciting modern amenities, like lights that don’t make your head hurt, and enormous windows to show off your mezzanine to the entire town. 

Caples Dingle (180 sqft): Studio in Manhattan, NY –– $2,000/mo 

Is it big? No. Is it pretty? No. Is it quiet? No. Is there nice lighting? No. Is it well ventilated? No. It Is there a window? Barely. Is it haunted? Yes. But it’s yours. 

Manning Dingle (150 sqft!!!): “Microapartment” in San Francisco, CA –– $1,400/mo

Okay.