Totally Official Kenyon Covid-19 Hookup Guidelines

Hey guys. This news may shock or even upset you, but the Cox Health Center has delegated ME to outline and share Kenyon’s new intimacy guidelines in the age of covid-19.

Generally, I see sexuality as something we should celebrate and be relaxed about, as long as everyone feels comfortable. Sex is a positive thing, even when it happens between Intro Film grads and Pinegrove fans. But after considering our current global health crisis, I have changed my tune.

The responsibility to outline Kenyon’s COVID intimacy guidelines has fallen on me and me alone. I have the ultimate say, so listen up.

  • Universities have recommended washing your hands for 20 seconds with warm water before engaging in sexual activity. After communicating with several public health officials whose credentials are very valid in the state of Ohio, I’ve concluded that instead you and your partner must take a three hour bath in Peirce zucchini juice. Then and only then may you touch each other.
  • Because the virus can spread through bodily fluids, instead consider engaging with your partner in a nice game of charades.
  • Alternatively, you and your partner could write dirty fanfiction but about each other. Kenyon is a writing college, after all.
  • Being cautious and communicative is important at this time. Here is where I thought about telling you all to wear masks during sexual activity, but instead may I suggest you discuss the state of our nation at length before getting into it? See if you’re still in the mood after that.
  • My fifth and final point: Sex at Kenyon is kinda gross if you think about it!!! Even without the pandemic, we learn here! We eat here! We pet goats here! And you wanna ruin the sanctity of those innocent moments by engaging in sexual activity. Ew, dude.

Let the record reflect that, with the power vested in me by the Kenyon Thrill and the power trip I’ve been on from fixing my drain this morning with no help, I am banning all sex at Kenyon. Not because of coronavirus, but just because it is gross.

All jokes aside, SRPA Gambier is functioning and supporting Kenyon students on and off campus! SRPA is a group of Kenyon students trained to guide other students through safe and consensual sexual relationships. If you have any questions or just want to chat, you can learn more about them here .

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