WARNING: unprecedented amount of Phoebe Bridgers-related decor to come. No seriously. More than you think.

I learned a long time ago that, despite my many technological skills (I tweet at least once an hour for validation), I don’t know how to change a zoom background. I know you guys think you’re so funny with your little green screens, but I have no idea how to do it. So I am not amused. How else am I supposed to express my personality in a virtual classroom?

Well, if you’re like me fret no more. I have a solution. Instead of playing with my Zoom background effect, I have decided to put things next to and behind me in the regular world. So here are a few things I put in the background of my Zoom calls in hopes that the baddies will notice.

My Posters. Since the dawn of time, college students have carefully curated their posters to show their refined (but not pretentious!!) taste in music, movies, and art. I’d be lying if I said I was an exception, and now thanks to Zoom these interior design choices can reach a larger audience!

Okay, so it has come to my attention that those are all Phoebe Bridgers adjacent. Let’s move right on forward and not unpack that at all.

My Stuffed Animal Replica of my Dog. I am not going to admit how recently this was gifted to me. The truth is kind of incriminating. What I will say is that it is quite an impressive rendering, and anyone in my classes who knows my dog would be undoubtedly amused. And honestly? I wish you all did. Take a look.

My Backpack. Hahaha does anyone know if we need to bring our backpacks to school tomorrow? Get it because… Online?

My Tapestry of a Forest at Night. I love the outdoors, and we can all feel a little cooped up during classes. I’m really doing all the baddies a solid and simulating a beautiful landscape for them via Zoom. I still often think about the first day of classes though, when a girl asked me which country’s flag it was. Hope she’s doing well.

My Own Art. It’s not any good, but hopefully it shows an endearing sensitive side. Or that I’m keeping up with the weird hustle culture that exists during a pandemic for creatives for some reason. Whatever floats your boat.

Okay, fine, I’ll talk about the Phoebe Bridgers stuff. Emotionally, I am totally FINE! I just really enjoy her music and hauntingly beautiful lyrics and being psychoanalyzed by her more than my actual psychiatrist. But it’s healthy. It’s not like I have anything else with her around my house anyway.

Oh. Dammit.