In the two years I’ve endured at Kenyon, my fight or flight response has helped me navigate campus and kept me alive. Nothing triggers this instinct more than running into certain Kenyon majors. You know who I’m talking about—that one person who just looks like the poster child for their respective major. Their entire identity revolves around their major. I’m not saying that every person who decides to pursue these academic endeavors is inherently frightening, but there’s a reason these majors are featured on this list.
- Drama: I’m talking straight drama majors here, not anyone who’s been diluted by being a double major. They’ll take anything they read out loud in class and crank the emotimg to eleven. And sure, I appreciate the craft and all the work and everything, but if I have to hear one more theatre kid reciting lines at top volume in Wiggins, I’m going to scream.
- Political science: Listen, I understand that some of you guys are in the midst of comps, but that’s no reason to recite Marx and Nietzsche to me when I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch. And please stop reminding me that my political views are under-developed, I’m just a normal person who can’t afford to waste any more brain cells while trying to keep up with the Democratic debate.
- Anything in STEM: You people know too much about a lot of things. The whole reason I’m not a STEM major is so I don’t find out about every horrifying process that goes on in my body. Is it cool that a couple of you know about dark matter? I guess, but don’t tell me about that, lest you trigger an existential crisis about how big space is compared to us puny people on Earth—oh God it’s already begun!
- English majors: Yeesh. As an english major myself, I feel comfortable saying that we’re kind of the worst. Especially the creative writing concentrations. If I had a dollar for every time a writer took my criticism on their work personally, I’d have zero dollars because I fear the wrath I would incur if I were to be honest about how bad their poetry really is.
- Econ: I’m going to be honest: I’m mainly scared of econ majors because the majority of them are footballers, all of whom are inherently scary. Maybe it can be traced back to afrear of the unknown: I have no idea how the economy works and I have no idea how sports work.