People always ask me (no they don’t actually but just go with it) Sydney, what’s it like being on your college campus during a pandemic? Usually, I just keep it light. Keep it vague. Do I even really know?

But every so often, all the youknowwhats get to be a little much. Maybe you saw the guy from your Spanish class who sweats a lot (you can even see him glistening through Zoom) wearing a mask as a chinstrap. Maybe you got an email promising a luxurious holiday at the fabled Kenyon Inn study space for the low price of um-yeah-I’m-not-even-gonna-go-there-because I’ll get upset and confused per hour. We all chose to be on campus, but we’re only human. So freshmen and sophomores, when you need to inevitably let off some steam, I’ve compiled this list of The Most Inoffensive Places To Scream On Campus. I’m not sure if we use double negatives on The Thrill but I already typed that title so strap in. And to my juniors and seniors who are missed dearly, file these away for next semester. I promise they’ll come in handy.

1. The Lower Level Bookstore Bathrooms: Yeah, these exist! I’m probably not blowing anyone’s mind by bringing them up. But I for one have to be reminded (by the sweet sweet deli cashier) that there are bathrooms “downstairs too!” whenever I’m waiting on line for a while at the main ones because some guy got too comfortable in the private bathroom and has been tweeting his Correct Opinions from the toilet for 15 minutes. Anyway, I like to scream in these lower level bathrooms because they are relatively sound-proof and the surrounding area is pretty deserted. When I’m done, I can draft some tweets of my own.
2. Underwater at the Steen Aquatic Center: Do NOT do this now because you are not allowed! I just wanted to add it because hypothetically I think it would be fun and discreet to scream underwater. No one would hear you, it would be such an intense release and you could feel like you were in a movie. Minus the mouthful of chlorine. But don’t do this, I’m serious. I’m just pretending.
3. The Gund Laundry Room: Okay, back to the real ones. I did my laundry in Gund all of Freshman year, and while I haven’t been back yet as a sophomore, I know the aura like the back of my hand. The Gund laundry room looks like one of those liminal space Tumblr posts where the caption is like “eerie places you’ve never been before but feel like you have in a dream!!!!” It’s nostalgic, but not in a good way. Not in a bad way either. But a way that makes you want to scream.
4. Chilitos: I don’t know really I just feel like the staff would be chill with it.
5. The First Unlocked Car I Find in the Watson Parking Lot: Not even my own. One of yours. It would be really poetic I think. If you see me pulling on minivan doors mind your business.