Votes That Don’t Count

It’s election season. More importantly, its vocal leftist season. Even MORE importantly, all of your dumb, politically passive high school friends are posting “pls vote:)” instagrams. Needless to say, the microinfluencers are up and at ‘em. 

I am a member of EVC, or Every Vote Counts, because on a whim of optimism I chose to believe that every vote does count. Here we are in America, where all we really ever get is the gist. Here’s the gist. The gist being everyone whose votes I don’t want. 

  • Narcissists 
  • People who like blue cheese
  • Female athletes with side parts 
  • People on TikTok who make a dance move out of shushing themselves when the N-word plays in a song
  • Gwenyth Paltrow
  • People who care more about the pronouns of animals than the pronouns of people
  • 70 percent of the baseball team. The worthy 30 percent will be asked to self-select
  • People who call themselves moderate. It’s not a thing, babe. You’re basically saying you’re the middle child who wants a peaceful Thanksgiving. No Thanksgiving is peaceful. Decide to stand for something
  • The moldy copy of the communist manifesto on your bedside table that speaks riddles to you in the night. He can’t vote
  • Bella Thorne’s manager. He’s doing a C+ job these days
  • People who yell at their mom when the lady is genuinely trying her best
  • People who rush the lady who makes omelets. NEVER. Rush the lady who makes omelets. Sit in line and take it. Actually? The lady who makes omelets actually gets two votes
  • People who eat jello outside of hospitals

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