Alright, this one is for the boys. Ladies, we respect your space, but this one is just for the dudes. The real bros out there, you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking cigar-smoking, ice-eating, born-from-the-tailpipe-of-a-Ford-F150-type boys. Fellas, hombres, today we crack the coldest one of all: are people going to laugh at our facial hair?
Everyone says the beard is an expression of the self, but how come beards have become so uniform? No one experiments anymore out of fear of public ridicule. And now, with our faces mandatorily covered by COVID-19 guidelines, we find ourselves presented with a unique opportunity. Lads, we must seize this day, and experiment with all the facial hair our peers ridicule. Godspeed, and may these images inspire your quest as they do mine.
- Amish Style
The traditional long beards of the Mennonites show humility, and a pacifistic nature. And let me tell you, I feel safer just thinking about this beard. We’re talking full-circle facial hair, protection from all angles. It’s charming, rustic, and a superior tactical advantage. The Amish don’t pick fights or use much modern technology, and honestly, with beards like this, they don’t need to. The world knows they stand no chance. If you wish to take on this coveted mantle, I only ask that you wear it with respect for its heritage, as well as the weighty responsibility of godhood.
2. Mutton Chops, aka “Hair but Evil”
If you’ve ever wanted to commit casual blasphemy against your face, look no further than mutton chops. Worn exclusively by the Scottish, the Wolverine, and 1800s robber-barons, there’s no worse way to consume your face than mutton chops. Like holding two well-done pieces of steak to the side of your head, these abominations mark out a soul with no fear of entering hell, and no concept of trimming. If you choose to grow them yourself, it may prove tricky, as they are the most visible hairstyle on this list. That said, good. Hopefully your peers can turn you back before it is too late.
3. Pencil Mustache, aka “Holding a Pencil Between my Lips and Nose”
The pencil mustache can be considered a waypoint between the hairless face and the trimmed hairstyle, the necessary step in the path, the middle Pokémon evolution. But for some, they are able to redefine the paradigms of facial hair itself. I spent many years as a youth trying to perfect the art of using a pencil as a substitute for a mustache, knowing that one day I would achieve this nirvana. My endeavors were for the good of mankind as a whole, to see that there is artistry in facial hair, not just raw strength. But no, apparently I was “disrupting class” and “too young for a beard, you’re literally seven years old.” Well, I showed them.
4. Hunger Games Movie Guy, aka “Woah Dude”
This guy isn’t even described in the books, like he just showed up looking like this. Woah, dude.
5. Trying My Best, aka “Lollipop that’s been dropped on a carpet”
Look, I’ll be real with you fellas. I’ve never been able to grow a beard. I probably never will be. Two years of trying in high school ended in my friends calling me Chin-Pubes and my grandparents rubbing my chin whenever they saw me. But the best part about wearing a face mask is that no one needs to know about that, either. As long as the face is hidden, the beard can be as extravagant as you like, because ultimately, a beard is a form of self-expression, and self-expression is what you believe about yourself. Even if people can see your face, if you proudly declare, “I have a beard,” who’s really going to take the time to argue against you? A beard is as you believe it, and fellas, I believe in you.
“It’s not the beard on the outside that counts, it’s the beard on the inside.” -Action Hank, Dexter’s Laboratory