WORKOUT REGIMEN FOR REMOTE STUDENTS

It is I, the Jillian Michaels of Kenyon College, here to help my fellow remote students become the healthiest versions of themselves during our collective hell.

I should say for liability reasons that I am not a certified personal trainer or anything. I’m just a girl with a smokin’ hot bod. Here’s my routine. You’re welcome.

MONDAY –– legs + glutes

  • Squat (50 min): Instead of sitting through class in a chair, fire up your booty in a low static squat. Aren’t you always saying how short your Monday-Wednesday-Friday feels compared to seminar? 

TUESDAY –– core

  • Plank HIIT: Hold your plank… 
    • Until your prof lets you in from the Zoom waiting room
    • When someone freezes (hold until they unfreeze or leave the meeting)
    • Every time your prof asks the class a question and gets crickets (hold until someone breaks the awful silence)
    • Whenever someone starts talking while muted (keep holding after they unmute; they’ll be flustered and won’t talk for as long as they would have)

WEDNESDAY –– cardio

  • Zoom tabata (50 min): Turn your camera off and do jumping jacks for 20 seconds, then turn your cam on and rest for 10 seconds. Repeat 8 times, or for 4 minutes, then turn your cam on for an extended 60 seconds rest. The goal is to control your breathing enough during those 10 seconds while on camera that your professor doesn’t get suspicious. If someone lives below you and doesn’t like the jumping, they can’t do anything about it because you’re in class.

THURSDAY –– rest

  • Attend class from bed :)

FRIDAY –– chest + back

  • Chest presses (3 sets of 20 reps, or until your arms feel tired idk): For weights, use the Franzia boxes that you would be draining if this were a normal Friday on campus. 

SATURDAY –– cardio

  • Scream (30 min)

SUNDAY –– upper body

  • Push-ups (while doing seminar reading): Get on all fours. Open to the week’s readings and set your book on the floor in front of you, so you can read without crunching your neck. Then up on your toes and do push-ups till you’re finished (60 second rest between chapters.) I confess I rarely do push-ups or the reading so I’m not sure how hard this one is, but if you’re gonna read Neitzsche how much worse can it get?

BONUS EXERCISES!!!!!!

When you have a meeting…

  • Instead of joining the Zoom/Google Meet when it starts, do BURPEES until someone texts asking if you’re coming. If no one ever texts you, it means no one likes you so you should do more burpees anyways.

During seminar…

  • Spend the midway break punching holes in your bedroom wall.

When you’re feeling stressed, or you can’t sleep, or you’re bored, or sad, or lonely, or ignoring homework, or your WiFi goes out, of you’re half-watching an asynchronous lecture and mostly looking at Instagram, or it suddenly occurs to you that your college experience is effectively over and you will never have a normal day at Kenyon again…

  • Masturbate.

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