Hello civilians. If you’re reading this article it’s because you are trying to guarantee your family’s safety on this ghoul- and gremlin-filled night. Well I have bad news for you, because there are NO guarantees in life, other than what you can provide for yourself through hard work. That being said, sometimes you need instruction in order to best conquer challenges, which is where I come in. After years of consuming Halloween-themed horror content, I am uniquely qualified to educate you on how to defend yourself from the ever-present threat of marauding pumpkins seeking to infiltrate your home and destroy your family values with rock-and-roll music and free love.

If you’ve ever read any children’s horror literature, you know that pumpkins seek the destruction of western society and the subjugation of every human beneath their squashy feet. (Jokes and prose aside, this is a weirdly common theme in specifically media targeted at children. Why? I don’t understand?) From Goosebumps to Are Afraid of the Dark?, they’ve been telling us for years about the pumpkin threat which terrorizes us once a year on All Hallow’s Eve. It’s time we fight back. Here’s my step-by-step guide to making pumpkins think twice before attacking you in your home.

When you find a pumpkin outside your home, you know that you’ve been targeted by the pumpkin cabal which runs your local government. The best course of action is to make an example of it:

Step 1: Cut a hole in the pumpkin

Step 2: Scoop the innards out of that pumpkin in a brutal and smelly pumpkin-ectomy that will leave you covered in juices up to your elbow.

Step 3: Outline how you’ll desecrate the pumpkin and disrespect its memory.

Step 4: Desecrate and disrespect that pumpkin’s memory

Step 5: Illuminate the abomination and place it outside your door as a deterrent to the hordes of orange fruits (yes, pumpkins are fruits, weird right?) that seek to topple democracy.