If you’re a junior or senior, you’re probably wondering what the f r e a k is going on back in Gambier without any upperclassmen to put the sophomores in their place. Well, let me tell you about a little thing called the Sophomore Superiority Complex.

Ever since the start of the semester, the sophomores have been taking every chance they can get to assert their dominance over us milquetoast first-years. They seem to think that being the oldest, biggest, toughest, strongest, smartest, coolest, and prettiest kids on campus gives them the right to push people around. Well, me? I just won’t stand for it. 

The other day I went to the Writing Center for help on a Quest paper and was greeted with: “How dare you request my divine assistance if you have not yet transcended the majestical within yourself?? To start,” said an astronomy minor in suede Chelsea boots, “let’s look at the word Quest. What are you looking for?” After doing some research, I found that this type of rampant pomposity is often found in individuals who’ve recently gained a higher social status. It’s important to acknowledge that these individuals are simply confused and dazed by their delusions of grandeur, and will soon come to the crushing realization that they’re not actually the shit. 

I recently interviewed Joey Pozo, a current sophomore who had a surprisingly self-aware take on the issue: “There’s definitely a difference in behavior now that there’s no upperclassmen on campus. I’m sure when they come back a lot of sophomores will go back to being lame and not cool, including but not limited to myself.” His take leads me to consider a broader question: What is it that makes us cool at Kenyon to begin with?

Dear reader, it’s up to you.