To FBI agents if you’re reading this, it’s NOT libel the whole thing is just a JOKE.
To KJ Apa if you’re reading this hiiii Archie :) I’m a big fan
To God Almighty Lord Savior Heaven Above if you’re reading this I’m sorry
Ok, guys, so I have really good news and some really, really bad news. The good news is that all your favorite Riverdale characters were here on Kenyon’s campus for the past few months, in secret! Cole Sprouse picking tiny little plants in the greenhouse. Lili “Ohio-born” Reinhart scaling the roof of Peirce Hall to, in her words, “make a big statement.” Picture it in your brain for a second, and I’m sure you’ll be able to see just how important this moment is. Aren’t you excited? I really hope you’re excited!
However, I will admit, and I DON’T want to admit this, but just to be completely straight up with you, they were filming a scene in Ascension where the character Cheryl Blossom plays a gorgeous piano rendition of “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” by Katy Perry to celebrate last Friday’s Serpent Soirée. After this scene she was supposed to toss her sheet music in the air, metaphorically spread her wings, and fly. Unfortunately, in filming this, she accidentally flipped the piano over the balcony, and the sad news is that it did land right on K.J. Apa’s head and smushed him flat. The crew screamed as his teeth were replaced by big cartoon piano keys and little music notes flew out of his head. Medics attempted to extricate the piano from his body, but the head EMT said
“By God, if I ever in my day see another piano so enmeshed in someone’s body, then I will disappear into the wilderness like I always have wanted to because I then will know that predestination is really true.”
In the ride to the hospital, Apa regained consciousness for a brief moment to utter an E major chord before falling back into unconsciousness. Despite his unfortunate death, the Riverdale showrunners said the show will go on and that they will replace Apa as soon as possible, probably even sooner than you would think. They also mentioned that if Apa is ever separated from the piano, they would love to use the piano as a prop again. So sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but I wouldn’t just want to leave you in the dust totally caught unawares. Godspeed to everyone involved, thank you to the cast and crew for choosing Kenyon as your only filming location, and go Riverdale High River Vixens!