This list is a guide for Maroon 5 songs to listen to to make you feel like a bad bitch, or, more aptly, how to make you feel like you’re in an H&M at noon on a Thursday in the tenth grade. Same diff.
- “Wake Up Call”, aka The One About Murder. Everyone cool with me queueing the Maroon 5 song about murder?
- “Sugar” — this one sounds like it could have been in the Trolls movie, (which I didn’t see) because it drifts into the Justin-Timberlake-making-a-single-for-a-movie-to-just-get-a-little-bit-richer territory.
- “Maps” — do you have an adderall script? Does your suite-mate? If you consumed it and then mainlined three capri suns, you would be embodying “maps” by Maroon 5.
- “Payphone” — this features Wiz Khalifa, which I had to look up to remember, which probably makes it better. I don’t know. The fact that it came out in 2012 connects it back to memories that I wish could exist without.
- “One More Night” — Isn’t Adam Levine, infamous human wax figure, married to that Victoria Secret model? Are all these songs about her? If not, does she know? Does she know that this song makes it sound like they’re about to get a divorce? Isn’t it crazy that Adam Levine sought out the future of, and indeed will, be raising children? Like, raising them as their father?
- “Misery” — this is an undisputed banger and the second I hear an inch of slander about this song it’s so over for all of you.
- “Moves Like Jagger” — this song calls to mind a phrase that has never entered into my mind before now. That phrase is “sexual UNawakening.”
- “If I Never See Your Face” — I love to listen to this one and think, “how did they get rihanna? How on God’s green earth did Adam Levine get Rihanna on this track” 13 years later and it’s still too close to call.
- “Makes Me Wonder” — this is actually a good song I like this one.
- “Sunday Morning” — probably the first slow dance at the wedding of every male algebra teacher ever. I don’t make the rules.
The Kenyon Thrill 