Why Our Current President Is the Goat

I know what you’re thinking right now: “Is my crush really a bigot and all the other bad words I’m thinking of?” To that I would say, “you have a crush on me!?” But I’d be wearing a mask so you probably wouldn’t hear what I said. You’d probably hear, “Mghnmh Smush emmy?” No, I didn’t say that.

 In all seriousness, while skeptics would say otherwise, our current president is still great, glorious, and deserves to rule us all for the foreseeable future. In this article I will share why (Just to clarify, I am talking about Kenyon’s 19th President, Sean Decatur).

Sean Decatur is the definition of excellence. Not literally, like if you looked it up online or went to the library and read a dictionary you would find that the definition of excellence is something else (too tired to look it up). My point is, he’s really great, he’s the best, I love him. Do I need him to approve my petition for waiving a semester of residency? 

Our president is an award-winning biophysical chemist, a highly accomplished professor, and a 6’8” fireball of a man that will leave you thinking, “NERD ALERT”.  He always takes time to speak with students, and he really cares about what you think, which is honestly great and I don’t think putting a joke here is appropriate but here goes: a man and a quilt will both keep you warm at night, but a quilt will never say anything stupid.

My favorite thing about him is his excellent speeches. One of his signature characteristics in public speaking is that Decatur always manages to incorporate a song into his speeches, quoting it and referencing its meaning. One of his most moving performances took place during this year’s Freshman Matriculation, when President Decatur referenced the Kanye song Lift Yourself, raising his head high into the air as he proclaimed, “Poopy-di scoop, Scoop-diddy-whoop, Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop, Poop-di-scoopty, Scoopty-whoop, Whoopity-scoop, whoop-poop, Poop-diddy, whoop-scoop, Poop, poop, Scoop-diddy-whoop, Whoop-diddy-scoop, Whoop-diddy-scoop, poop”

One time after my symphonic wind ensemble performance I saw Sean Decatur and I said to my friend, Jason, “look, it’s Sean Decatur!” Decatur must have heard me because he walked over and we had a very awkward conversation. Mr. President, if you’re reading this right now, I’m so sorry I talked about you like you weren’t there. I hope one day you’ll forgive me, and maybe we can be friends. Also, Jason, I don’t know why you stopped talking to me after I had that awkward conversation with Decatur, but you still owe me money.

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