I know what you’re thinking: Really? We are still fully in a pandemic, we just had an election and Adele got skinny and you’re choosing to write a list of mundane tasks that mildly unattractive and wildly attractive people can do while looking equally stupid? And to that I say, you bet your bottom dollar that’s what I am going to do. Also, screw off I’m tired.
Anyway, this has been a trivial thought that has been circulating my mind for quite some time now. I thought about making this more of a Twitter thread, but I think it’s time to bring this idea to fruition. It’s not even so much about attractiveness here. There is just this bizarre comfort in the fact that there are some experiences or behaviors that regardless of the person, they just look funny. Think about movies, television or social media. They take the hottest actors I have ever seen and put them in what are considered to be these “awkward” and “I’m-so-clumsy” moments, even though their makeup and design team gave them a blowout and put them in a halter top. I couldn’t help but think, as hot as she is, there is no way that Gigi Hadid could trip over a crack in the sidewalk and it wouldn’t be as equally embarrassing as if I did it. I’m sorry, I just can’t accept that. So I came up with some situations where whether you are a greased up model or girl next door, we are all on the same page.
- Be Attacked by a Bee. I am completely biased here because I think that as proactive and helpful as bees are for pollination, I think they are truly evil creatures. POV: You are sitting outside the bookstore, enjoying the sunshine and munching on a sausage, egg and cheese on focaccia bread. A truly serene scene. Then, all of a sudden, you hear a tingly buzzing and then look down to find this yellow jacket sandwiched between your egg and sausage. You drop the sandwich under the table, the bee goes flying into your face, you start screaming, and passerbyers begin to take concern. At this point, you have no clue where the damn thing went so you keep circling yourself, while also realizing you were told as a child to stay still because they sense fear. The bee most likely flew away two and a half minutes ago but you are still uneasy. Now your five dollar sandwich is on the ground and you’re sad. Now, tell me Ryan Reynolds could get away with that.
- Pick Up a Napkin That Flew Away. The look of shock that graces one’s face when they see a napkin catch air and then roll around on the cement like a tumbleweed is truly fascinating. You knew it was windy and you chose to sit outside, however it is always surprising how fast the napkin flies in front of your face. Of course, you don’t want to litter. You care about the environment. So you get up and begin to leapfrog your way towards this thing. Down, oh! It’s still going. You scuttle on all fours trying to snatch this bastard. Hair is flying in the face. You are trying to fully play it cool, yet the wind has seemingly picked up. Just your luck. Whether you are in full sweats or dressed to the nines, this scene looks the same.
- Listen to a Skrillex Song and Enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I will be the first to admit that electronic dance music is in fact a guilty pleasure of mine. However, for an individual to respond to the question “what are you listening to?” with “Ego Death by Skrillex ft. Kanye!” Hm. I don’t know.
- Bark Like A Dog At Oncoming Traffic. I really don’t have a description for this one. However, I just think it’s hilarious to think about anyone doing this.
- Use The Laughing Emoji Unironically. Yes, the laughing emoji can communicate your true intent behind a message, and can even clarify the lighthearted nature of a fairly aggressive text. Regardless, it has this inexplicable cringe factor to it. This might be a completely subjective claim, but I just don’t know if I could look anyone on People’s “Sexiest Men Alive!” list with a straight face if I saw him using that emoji.
- Pop A Leg Pimple. I see a new type of focus when I see someone going to town on a bulging white head on their lower thigh. The concentration face matched with the incessant pinching is really mesmerizing. However, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it is pretty nasty. No one can make that sexy.
- Own an Android Phone. I don’t mean to add to the immense amount of hate that plagues the Android community. Great group of folk. But, something about seeing the off brand emojis, the bizarre typography, even the green text bubble. I don’t know. If I received a text from Jesus Christ himself, but it was a green text bubble? I might not respond, not going to lie.