When I came to Kenyon College, I expected to have freedom that I didn’t have in high school. I had a myriad of new opportunities, like sports, or tabletop RPGs. The world was my oyster. But then I joined some a cappella group and now I’m obligated to go to twenty other a cappella concerts a year. Don’t make the same mistake as me kids.
But even if I did have the time to play a sport between sessions of schmucks in khakis telling me to think about “tuning,” I would be disappointed with my options. Yeah we’ve got a couple god-awful Kenyon teams, and like, club soccer or something, but where’s the variety? I want to play a sport with a name I can’t pronounce and not even know if I’m winning. Someone please start these Kenyon clubs:
- Caber Toss: Alright, I’m a little biased here because I’m a big fan of kilts. However, I’m also a big fan of hucking logs as far as you possibly can. Imagine walking out of Ascension on to the lawn and getting crushed by a flying telephone pole. That’s the world I want to live in.
- Korfball: Invented by a Dutch teacher in 1902, korfball is the unholy mixture of basketball and people who shouldn’t be playing basketball. It is also very fun to say.
- Dodgeball: Dodgeball is a way to tap into one’s inner darkness. It reaches into your very soul and brings forth the primal rage of puberty-fueled middle school gym class. I’d like to see that among my peers.
- Tee-Ball: Tee-ball in second grade was the last time I felt truly accomplished in a sport. For those that gave up sports when they got hard, tee-ball would be a great way to feel like we’re not lazy nerds who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a snowball on a windless day.
- Badminton: For anyone who wants to play tennis but “for funsies.” Badminton is low commitment/low reward, perfect for the slacker on the go. If you’re looking for a club to show up to one meeting and then ditch forever, this is the sport for you.
- Quidditch: Look, I’m all for shaming Harry Potter nerds as much as the next guy, but do we seriously not have a quidditch team? We have an entire day dedicated to glorifying the JK Rowling series but we don’t have people willing to put themselves in physical danger? Get on it Gryffindors.
Great article! But if Kenyon were to add any sport, it should definitely be Calvinball