When I came to Kenyon College, I expected to have freedom that I didn’t have in high school. I had a myriad of new opportunities, like sports, or tabletop RPGs. The world was my oyster. But then I joined some a cappella group and now I’m obligated to go to twenty other a cappella concerts a year. Don’t make the same mistake as me kids.

But even if I did have the time to play a sport between sessions of schmucks in khakis telling me to think about “tuning,” I would be disappointed with my options. Yeah we’ve got a couple god-awful Kenyon teams, and like, club soccer or something, but where’s the variety? I want to play a sport with a name I can’t pronounce and not even know if I’m winning. Someone please start these Kenyon clubs:

1. Caber Toss: Alright, I’m a little biased here because I’m a big fan of kilts. However, I’m also a big fan of hucking logs as far as you possibly can. Imagine walking out of Ascension on to the lawn and getting crushed by a flying telephone pole. That’s the world I want to live in.
2. Korfball: Invented by a Dutch teacher in 1902, korfball is the unholy mixture of basketball and people who shouldn’t be playing basketball. It is also very fun to say.
3. Dodgeball: Dodgeball is a way to tap into one’s inner darkness. It reaches into your very soul and brings forth the primal rage of puberty-fueled middle school gym class. I’d like to see that among my peers.
4. Tee-Ball: Tee-ball in second grade was the last time I felt truly accomplished in a sport. For those that gave up sports when they got hard, tee-ball would be a great way to feel like we’re not lazy nerds who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a snowball on a windless day.
5. Badminton: For anyone who wants to play tennis but “for funsies.” Badminton is low commitment/low reward, perfect for the slacker on the go. If you’re looking for a club to show up to one meeting and then ditch forever, this is the sport for you.
6. Quidditch: Look, I’m all for shaming Harry Potter nerds as much as the next guy, but do we seriously not have a quidditch team? We have an entire day dedicated to glorifying the JK Rowling series but we don’t have people willing to put themselves in physical danger? Get on it Gryffindors.