And honestly? I’ve made peace with that.

If you were to look me up on some Kenyon-adjacent fan wiki, IMDb, or (let’s face it, we know our hypothetical audience) Letterboxd page, your search would yield no results. I was erased from Kenyon’s cinematic universe. And I’m not talking about the outplayed Radnor-Janney-Newman (should I leave Newman out of this?) filmsphere where the highest point of conflict is whether a 35-year-old man is going to sleep with a student or professor while visiting his alma mater (yeesh). I’m actually referring to something much grittier– our real lives.

My freshman year, I didn’t fall into the enthralling trap of what is lovingly known as main character complex. While I’m sure some of you had a ball thinking of yourselves as the protagonist, pressing your head against the KAT window while deep in thought about how to mold last week’s mediocre hookup into your formative love interest, that wasn’t for me. I knew my place as a side character, which meant my role was to sit in the Lewis common room handing out banana bread and comic relief. And somewhere in there, y’all protaggies probably think I said or did something dumb that helped you come of age. I could practically hear David Bowie’s “Heroes” playing in mofos heads whenever I made a casual comment about my relationship with my parents. I mean, you’re welcome.

But something strangely shifted this year, and not just because of … you know. I was completely erased from Kenyon’s cinematic universe. Gone were the days when I was canon. Seriously, I would come up to people on Gaskin and they’d look right through me. So this is the only logical explanation.

I suppose it is possible I was unknowingly one of your antagonists. In which case, congratulations on defeating me. I’m so happy for you and your journey. Truth is, I’m agreeable. I don’t need to live out my college experience in the center of the Old K “dance floor.” I’m content in my little twin bed reading my little poetry books and occasionally standing outside the bathroom while my roommate’s in there to tell her jokes or give her a jump scare.

I’m just confused on how abruptly this went down. I didn’t get my Iron Man or my Thanos moment (yeah, SPOILERS, but it’s been almost a year. If you haven’t seen it yet I’m sure you don’t care). I didn’t get my dramatic farewell. I was just pushed out of any plot line, left to watch you all romp around Middle Path at 11pm making self discoveries. Talk about a voyeur moment!

Maybe closure on my character will never come, but until then I’m sure the FanFiction writers will carry me. They were always the strongest links after all.