“What’s really happening in the basement of the Lowry Center,” a premise so bad that when a Thrill editor assigned it to me, I pretended that I didn’t come up with it. Unfortunately, she sent me a picture of what I submitted and this title was there, along with “Ten O’clock list: My favorite numbers” and “How to get to a one way ticket to Amish Pound Town before you can say ‘a man is never old before his regrets outnumber his dreams’” Anyways, I’m super busy, so I’m gonna give this bad boy ten minutes of mediocre focus and see what happens.

I guess what’s really happening in the basement of the Lowry Center is that a few people are playing squash by themselves. It’s really sad. Like, if you need to cheer up, just go watch them. Sometimes they cry and it’s really funny. What idiot would play squash alone? The same type of person who would find a gold ring on the squash courts and return it. I would, and here’s why.

Now that we’ve gotten to this paragraph I realize I don’t have a good reason for why I would play squash alone. I guess I’m just a sad sad person. As for returning lost items, I was going to pawn off the ring for some cash, but when I read the inscription on the side of the ring, it said, Honesty, Integrity, and Dignity. That and the fact that my friend Abby threatened to turn me in if I did pawn it off convinced me not to. 

All I’m saying is that if the ring belonged to you, then you should give me $20. I went through a lot of hardship to return that shizzle. It was a 1-percenter version of Lord of the Rings; I had to play squash, walk up a hill, and talk to Campus Safety. 

Also Abby, I wanted to let you know that I really miss you as a friend. I don’t know if it’s just because of Covid or the fact that I hacked into your gmail and sent a bunch of weird emails to fraternities and signed you up for harp lessons, but I wish that we could go down to the Lowry center sometime and play squash  (in separate courts).