Ah yes, The United States of America’s vaccine rollout. It is at best disorganized and at worst a crisis that reveals the true colors of our deeply flawed healthcare system. But not to worry, because despite the hiccups, it seems that the sexiest among us have been prioritized. We can all rest assured that hot people will have immunity. Here’s to protecting them and our ability to stare at their conventional attractiveness without fear of COVID-19.
When contacted by The Thrill about this plan, Joe Biden declined to comment. But Kamala was like “YAS!” and stated that this most recent executive order was put in place in the name of American fairness and justice.
“We couldn’t possibly administer the vaccine to all Americans. I mean, that’s just science, and President Joe Biden believes in science,” the bossbabe said. “In theory, we could prioritize the old and vulnerable. But we couldn’t actually, so we have landed on the greatest compromise since The Great Compromise. Vaccinate all the hot people!”
I was deeply impassioned by these words and took it upon myself to do a little digging. If you don’t know how government works and are more of a visual learner, this one’s for you. I have provided concrete examples of hotties who are vaccinated. Hopefully, this encourages you to make the healthy choice and get your immunity! (If you can lol).
#1 – This 25-year-old Youtuber I Watched In Middle School Who Is In Perfect Health: I still follow her on Instagram, where she has a beautifully curated if over-filtered feed. One of her most recent posts included her proudly sporting a band-aid and writing a lengthy caption about what an honor it was to be vaccinated and thanking those who made her brand deal possible #Pfizer #AD. When a curious fan commented asking how she’d gotten it so soon, the always humble influencer replied “I don’t know! I guess I was just in Phase 1 in LA ☺️.” After this, the fan asked “how did the state tell you??? please reply my grandma will die if she gets covid.” Comments were limited five minutes later.
#2 – Dr. Oz: Because the real pandemic would break loose if Americans had to go without medical advice on daytime television. Not only is this Harvard educated ACTUAL doctor is a baddie, but we as a nation would be lost without his recent episode titled “Vaccine Scam Alert: 5 Things to Know About COVID-19 Vaccine Scams to Protect Yourself.” (Author’s note: yeah, that’s real).
# 3 – Kyler From Your American Studies Class: He parks his parents’ Mercedes in the fire lane whenever he gets Peirce and isn’t phased by the ticketing. Or the time he boxed in an ambulance while his teammate– his boy— was going into anaphylactic shock. The SUV has a “Truth Over Lies” sticker on it. Also a “I Paid Full Freight and Then Some for My Honors Student At College Prep Boarding School No. 2” one on the other corner of the bumper. So process that however you want.
# 4 – Hopefully All Of Us, Soon: Here’s to staying optimistic. Better days are coming, and I look forward to the day we can all step into Caples with COVID-19 ticked off the list of diseases we need to fear contracting. If you read The Thrill, and hotness is the barometer for vaccination, you’d all have herd immunity.