Well folks, I hope you missed hearing about Kenyon acapella, because they are back and louder than ever. Coming at you like the unholy child of a broken record and a faulty radio that only plays unintelligible word fragments, college acapella has never been more missed on the Kenyon College Campus. Also, the Kenyon College Ransom Notes are standing over me as I write! For every star I give them, I get to keep one of my fingernails.

Clearly a 10 out of 5 in music, the Ransom Notes, like other groups on campus, have been deprived of rehearsal spaces, as the administration has deemed them a COVID risk. Myself being in the Kenyon College Chasers, I was aware of this, and reached out representing the Thrill for their comments on the situation. In retrospect, my email may have been confrontational and ill-worded. The phrase “haha you can’t rehearse either” and signage “Sincerely, the only acapella group that actually did anything this year” were indeed harsh. Not to worry, I have since had my opinions revised heavily.

A quick acapella history lesson, the Ransom Notes began as a splinter cell of the Chasers that wanted to compete in acapella competitions. The Chasers said no, we make mouth music in this one room on this one night and we like it that way. Thus, the Great Schism, another casualty of the Pitch Perfect era.

It’s hard to write upside down with this bag over my head, but oh well. The Ransom Notes have begun step-clapping around me, and their group choreography is a witchcraft unwelcome in this acapella sphere. This kidnapping has destabilized the acapella community at Kenyon, which was already forming small underground mafias. Before this incident, a Koke gave me a singing telegram and uppercutted me when I joined in. The ruthlessness of the acapella community is not to be understated; now deprived of their rehearsal spaces, they roam Middle Path, muttering rhythmic syllables under their breath.

Perhaps this will turn out for the better. Perhaps I will be used as a bargaining chip with the administration. Or perhaps the admin intends to make us rip ourselves apart, and has been pulling the strings the whole time. Or perhaps this undisclosed location will become our new rehearsal space. With such a wacky cast of colorful characters, surely anything is possible.

The Ransom Notes have begun discussing amongst themselves, and they seem to have agreed upon my fate. They will hold a Pitch-Perfect style Riff-off between themselves and the other groups on campus. Each group will put up a wager equivalent to my life, so maybe like three used pitch pipes or one really good one. The winner will take all. They seem to be very happy about this plan, mostly because they at last get to showcase this one specific skill they’ve honed for years. Still, it looks like my life will be up for grabs this weekend at the Riff-off. I don’t have the heart to tell them that nobody is going to come.