New Strain of the Virus Found in Chilitos: Makes You Filthy at Break-Dancing But Objectively a Horrible Person

Here in Gambier Ohio, we really try our best to find the silver linings of bad situations. This includes a global pandemic which, according to some, should not be a road block to getting absolutely down.

With vaccines on the rise for almost no one you know in real life, there is a sense of normalcy returning to campus. Well, at least there is in the most un-normal corners of our bubble. Yes I know bubbles are circular and don’t have corners.

You know what else is circular? Karma. It goes around and comes right back. It’s unavoidable, and if you are an objectively horrible person, there’s only so far you can go maskless on Gaskin. Chances are, you’ll be hearing Lil Tjay play wherever you tread. Depending who’s on AUX.

This is my way of shamelessly telling you all that there was a new strain of the virus found in Chilitos. It has its origins within the COVID-19 family, but rather than causing a respiratory infection it has two notable symptoms. You become absolutely disgustingly filthy at break-dancing, even to songs that wouldn’t necessarily warrant it (i.e. “Sweet Caroline”, “The National Anthem”). The second sure-fire sign of infection is just being a bad person. Really horrible and not nice. You probably still have friends, but there’s a strong chance that they are mean too. Or they’re just apologists. Similarly to tests used to indicate loss of taste or smell, you can attempt to gauge if you have this strain in a couple of ways. Firstly, try your hand at toprocking and backrocking. If your really cocky, try some floor work. See how satisfied your audience at Gambier’s premiere bar and Mexican restaurant feels. Next, the CDC suggests going up to people and being like “You know me! I’m a good person right?!” and count in your head the seconds of hesitation. If it’s more than three Mississippis, you might want to get tested.

The test is a standard Everlywell nose swab, except Chris Smith also has to dance battle you as you leave the Lowry Center. Sorry, them’s the rules. If you fear that dance victory over this man will send you into isolation, maybe you should’ve asked yourself if getting drunk at 7pm was worth it.

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