Uh, oh. What’s that? You didn’t call your parents yesterday? Like, on March 14? Yikes, yikes, yikes. Sure Mom got over it when you didn’t call on her 50th, but not checking in with the fam on the most important mathematically inspired holiday of the year–that’s serious. After all, Pi Day is a sacred time of geometry, joy and, perhaps most importantly, togetherness.
I get that you probably had a blast with all your friends yesterday: you all had a little Pi Day hoop rolling competition (and only barely cheated this year), you tried your hand at playing a few measures of the Pi Day hymns on the lyre, and you baked some delicious fruit pies. And yet of course you forgot to share your Pi Day spirit with the very people that taught you to trundle hoops, to play the Pi Day hymn and the capitalist history behind the surprisingly recent addition of pie consumption to the Holiday’s essential traditions. Be prepared for your glib neglect to create a tear in your relationship with your parents that may not heal for many years (and quite possibly not at all).
Here’s what you need to do to repair this familial wound: Immediately after reading this article start practicing your lyre (borrow a friends if necessary) until you can play the whole Pi Day hymn as sublimely as Archimedes himself; if you’re not sure your rendition is completely exquisite, keep practicing. Next, text your parents asking if it would be alright if they’re available for a phone call right now (video is preferred). However, after what you’ve done, they may not be ready to talk right away. When you eventually get them on the phone, provide a concise but genuine apology for banefully forgetting to call them the day before. Then let them know in great detail just how much you love them—memories from past Pi Days are a good idea here— before you launch yourself into the Pi Day Hymn. About twenty-two sevenths of a minute into your performance (and this is when you’ll want your camera on) start to cry; it can be slow at first, but by the end you should be sobbing. With any luck, after this display of raw emotion and musical talent your parents will find it difficult to shame what’s normally rusty lyre playing, and might even love you again.
Now go! Fetch your sheet music!