You want an internship? You want a union? Go, fetch! Kidding. Because you can’t have either of those. I have a resumé but some of these seem to be the only jobs I’m qualified for, at best. Here’s the roster.

• Researching America’s Most Popular Isthmi for a Wealthy Bachelor (UNPAID)

• Teaching My Professor’s 6 Year Old Some Damn Manners (YEAR ROUND, UNPAID)

• Documenting Your Shitty COVID Experience For Kenyon As If It’s Not Everyday of Your Damn Life Anyway (PAID, but you don’t get paid if they see you follow KSWOC on twitter)

• Naming Outlet Mall Vape Store Chains 

• Looking at Bees With Bald Men Who Wear Earrings 

• Research Project on Sacco and Vanzetti, Even Though We Already Know Everything About Them

• Interviewing Bisexual Acupuncturists (PAID with one scented candle)

• Leadership Workshop: How To Help This Stray Duck Find Its Mommy

• Once in a Lifetime Women and Gender Studies Opportunity: We Ask You To Call All Your Female Identifying Cousins and Ask Them How It’s Going

• WE Force YOU to recode handshake! For free. 

• How To Write a Cover Letter When All You Do Is Write Poetry About Your Dad’s New Girlfriend (SHE SUCKS!)

• Calling All Theater Majors! in Depth Character Creation Work Where You Essentially Method Act a Mailroom Student Worker That “Honestly Doesn’t Feel Like the Union Would Help” and “Doesn’t Know What All of the Fuss Is About” (PAID in experience)