Sean Decatur Adopted Me??!?!?!? (Featuring The Kenyon Lords Ice Hockey Team, Zayn Malik, and Mr. Krabs)
It started out like any other morning. I woke up in my Norton dingle and put my totally drab brown hair into a messy bun. I start to put mascara on my eyes, which are the color of Peirce beef stroganoff, which I find kind of unsettling since I am vegan. Anyway, I stick in my polymer clay earrings, grab my kanken, and head out the door.
Once on the quad, I am immediately struck by a wave of arousal. It hit me harder than that one time I was in the crosswalk by the market and a car full of delts didn’t come to a full stop because they didn’t see me. No guys ever notice me, ugh. Oh right speaking of guys I forgot that I’m aroused right now. How could I not be when the entire Kenyon Lords Ice Hockey team is out on the freshman quad grilling hot dogs!? They maybe saw me admiring them because one of the guys waved at me. I wanted to sprint away in fear because I’m just so shy and bashful. But before I could, I heard the most beautiful voice say
“Do you have a staring problem you raggedy bitch?”
I looked up at him and thought, oh my tall. Normally I go for short kings but there’s something about this boy that makes me want to climb him like the spires of Old K. Sadly I am so bad at flirting, I never understood how it’s sooo easy for some girls to just walk up and twerk on guys! I’m not like them, I’m different. I start to tell my crush this and hope he understands.
“I never would think a guy like you would go for a girl like me,” I say blushingly.
“You’re right I wouldn’t,” says my crush hotly. I love it when he’s mean to me.
The tension is building and I start to feel the butterflies bubbling in my body alongside the Pfizer vaccine, adderall, prozac, and Peirce scrambled eggs.
Right when everything was about to come to a head and I was about to lean in because I bet he was about to kiss me, my crush… ’s friend appears!!!!
“Hey man wanna climb on the roof of Gund with me Kyler, Ryler, Tyler, and Zayn?”
I look over to see his teammates standing with Zayn Malik! What!?
“Why do you look so shocked bitch didn’t you know that Zayn left One Direction to be our manager,” says my crush sexily.
“I thought that I was the treasurer!” Shouts Zayn.
“No that’s Mr. Krabs,” says my crush.
“Arg arg arg arg arg arg,” says Mr. Krabs.
I follow my crush to the roof, and he turns to Zayn and asks him why I’m still here. He’s so silly! I bet he has a romantic surprise on the roof and wants to trick me so that I don’t think it’s coming.
Once we got to the top, Mr. Krabs and Ryler start singing Counting Stars by OneRepublic and Zayn starts to cry because he misses his bandmates, and I start to cry because Mr. Krabs had a really beautiful baritone voice. I feel really connected to him and decide to tell him a secret.
“Mr. Krabs, I have crabs,” I whisper. Oh no I think my crush heard me…
“Gross bitch!” My crush shouts, and pushes me off the roof with the same strength he uses to hit home runs.
~Later, at the hospital~
I am laying in bed because my crush broke every bone in my body but I still have a crush on him. I’m waiting for my parents to fly in to Gambier to visit me. The door opens and I think it’s gonna be my mommy but it’s just the super bald doctor. He told me that my mom told him that Gambier is small and gross and that she and my dad don’t care about me anymore and are putting me up for adoption.
I cry and cry, but the doctor reassures me that everything is gonna be a-okay.
“Someone already jumped at the chance to adopt you, I’ll bring your new dad in now.”
The door swung open with gusto, and I laid still because I was nervous but also because all of my bones were broken. I had no idea who this could be, but I had an overpowering feeling like my life was about to change.
“Hello, my child.”
End of Chapter One.
Oh gosh this is hilarious