A Letter to My Two Older Brothers Who Might Be Football Players And Much More Than You Could Ever Imagine But Not In A Good Way

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I’m so curious about what kind of person reads The Thrill voluntarily. I completely understand if you were making your way to the adult site The Thrills and accidentally stumbled across this monstrosity. Maybe you were trying to get the Collegian and just forgot their name. Or, maybe you got here on purpose, which begs the question, what kind of person are you? I don’t know how much I can write about older brothers who might be football players, so I’m going to just cram the material I had for five articles into this one over the next ten minutes and we’ll see what happens. 

A little family history: My great grandfather, Edvard Manning, was in the battle of Blenheim and was the only casualty on the German side because he misread the smoke signal as charge instead of retreat. Mannings have a tendency to charge when they should be retreating. Even when we try to do what’s right, we end up causing more casualties. Here are a few examples:

I was in an argument with this lady, and I’d read somewhere that if you introduce yourself, it’ll deescalate the situation. Shortly after I introduced myself, she informed me we’d already met on several occasions. Situation escalated. 

I was doing an overnight at Kenyon and stayed in a Taft, but I kept on getting woken up by the sounds of someone having sex. After putting up with what seemed like an eternity of moaning, I decided to do everyone in the building a favor.

“We’re trying to sleep here!” I yelled out into the darkness. 

The next morning I found out that the sounds had been caused by a student who’d fallen down the stairs, broken their legs, and crawled back up the stairs as I yelled, “We’re trying to sleep here.” In my defense, once the student reached their room after a few hours, they’d started having sex. 

I offered to be a censor on my friend’s radio show, but I was always off by one word, so the song sounding something like “Beep, Fuck, Beep, Shit, Beep, Fuck”  

Here’s the letter:

Dear Eli Manning,

We are totally related. I knew from the moment I was born that we are related. Anyways, I’m writing this because I’m in serious debt and I just wanted to ask for ten million dollars in cash.

Your Brother,

Elijah Manning

Here’s my letter to Payton:

Dear Payton Manning,

We are totally related. I knew from the moment I was born that we are related. Anyways, I’m writing this because I’m in serious debt and I just wanted to ask for ten million dollars in cash.

Love,

Your Brother Eli Manning

Quiz: What Kind of Thrill Reader Are You?

  1. A Professor
  2. A Student
  3. Reggie Manning

If you answered A, then you are most likely a professor, etc. 

If you are Charlene, please text me back. I’m literally begging you. The tests came back negative, we’re okay! 

If you’ve read this fair. Great Job. Comment Below And Choose What My Next Article Is About!!

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