May is at last upon us which means that the raccoons we’ve dearly missed over the winter are finally arriving in droves across the midwest as they complete their months-long, multigenerational migration from Central Mexico. But just because most members of Procyon lotor sustain themselves off of nectar and trash doesn’t mean that some especially depraved individuals aren’t out for blood.

1. Creepin’ Kevin

Often found peeking from behind flagpoles and under bathroom sinks, Creepin’ may seem like he’s the one afraid of you. Don’t be fooled; you should be the one afraid of Kevin. The individual is reported to follow his victims for weeks at a time, keeping assiduous notes on their daily activities and speech patterns before (so far unsuccessfully) attempting to steal their identity—as well as all their possessions—completely while keeping the victim locked up in the basement of Palme House. If one of your friends or classmates seems to be napping almost all day and is also a raccoon, please contact the appropriate authorities. 

Rabies risk: MODERATE

2. Dr. Seuss

After single-handedly painting the entirety of the wall separating the library construction site from the rest of campus, Dr. Seuss was absolutely furious after it was unceremoniously demolished. Construction workers be warned, Dr. Seuss is likely willing and able to launch a full fledged smear campaign weaponizing her whimsical illustrations as cutting propaganda, and the bookstore’s paint supplies are suddenly running very low.

Rabies risk: LOW

3. Shorty

Shorty’s name tends to be uttered in whispers in darkened corners of locked rooms. Rumors circulate that  Shorty started the 1949 Old K fire. I’ve heard more substantial rumors that Shorty will occasionally bruise (or even concuss) athletic people making their way up from the rugby fields with its hooves. Yet somehow such athletic people claim that the injuries are simply a common consequence of the sport. But who would voluntarily play a sport like that? Are the rugby players being coerced? Are they in on something? Shorty definitely is.

Rabies risk: MODERATE   

3.5 Rugby Players (non-raccoon entry)

Rabies risk: MODERATE

4.Moonhead

Moonhead isn’t as slick as he thinks he is. His easily identifiable Facebook (@Hoonmead) is full of what appear to be virulent journal entries filled with intricate, spiteful plans to harm certain Gambier residents. If one scrolls back far enough on the raccoon’s page one can find several posts dedicated to cursing and threatening a late-night biker that he alleges to have “nearly ran [him] over.” It appears that since the incident Moonhead has been fixated on shattering the lives of bikers specifically. Though none of Moonhead’s hateful promises to bikers (such as to “eat their hair” or “screech outside of their window at night”), have come to pass, the raccoon is still one to be wary of.

Rabies risk: VERY HIGH

5. Fuzzy Pants

Photographed here in 2020, it saddens me deeply to have to put Fuzzy Pants on this list. Usually known for his robust pelage, quick wit, love of film, and warm personality, Pants was most recently spotted a few days ago panting and stumbling around mod A. Apparently oblivious to the handful of students who greeted Pants on their way to Peirce, Fuzzy intermittently let out unintelligible high-pitched shrieks from his saliva-plastered mouth. The behavior is baffling and, I regret to say, potentially indicative of something sinister.

Rabies risk: LOW