Halloween is one of my favorite times of year for several reasons, but especially because it’s when people decide that horror movies are acceptable…but what about the rest of the year? What do our favorite slasher villains get up to outside of spooky season? Why, they’d naturally attend Kenyon College. To make things easier for everyone trying to wrap their heads around this half-baked idea of mine, I’ve decided to figure out who famous slasher villains would be if they were Kenyon students.
Leatherface: This man would absolutely be a Kenyon Farm-er. He’d keep to himself, but you’d always see him hanging out with other Farm people in Peirce…almost like a family. He’ll invite you over for a farm fresh dinner, but when you ask what they’re having, he always says “Mystery Meat.”
Michael Meyers: Mikey would say absolutely nothing in class, no matter how big or small it is. Five people? You better hope the other four pick up the slack. Somehow, he still gets better grades than you, even though he gives no indication of hearing anything the professor says. Does he understand the material? Does he have thoughts? Hard to say. The loudest part about this dude is his heavy breathing.
Freddy Krueger: He thinks he’s the funniest thing to ever grace Kenyon’s campus, and is constantly cracking what he says are jokes. No one ever laughs. He talks nonstop, even when it’s clear that no one is listening. The only conclusion one can draw is that he loves the sound of his own voice. He has a 3-hour WCKO show that no one seems to tune in for, and one time, you fell asleep while listening to it, and you had a weird-ass dream with him in it.
Jason Voorhees: He’s a prominent member of the Outdoors club, and for good reason. This dude has enough survival gear for a trek through the Amazon, or at least the BFEC. He sends out all-stu’s at least once a week, announcing that he’s hiking to the observatory if anyone would like to join him. He walks on the GAP trail at least twice a week, and usually scares runners who pass him. Why does he walk so slowly? Is he stalking them? Who’s to say? If you ask nicely, he’ll show you his machete.
Ghostface: A different breed of annoying, as he’ll reference a different movie in every goddamn class he’s in. If the professor asks a question, you can bet that he’ll find a loosely related way to tie it to a movie he just saw over the weekend, usually a horror film. You could be discussing John Locke and he’d find a way to tie it to something like The Amityville Horror. If he’s not talking in class, he’s on his phone.
Candyman: Proud member of the Beekeeping Club. Has a popular WCKO show thanks to his awesome voice.
Norman Bates: At a party, he’s the dude who tries to hit on every girl within earshot. When his advances are inevitably declined, he starts complaining about how no one wants nice guys, and everyone just wants a hookup instead of a relationship these days. He does call his mom on a regular basis, so he can’t be all that bad, right?
Chucky (Charles Lee Ray): One half of a power couple that has been together since their first year at Kenyon. He’s the rare type of student who thinks he’s funny and is actually funny at times. His sense of humor comes at the expense of a lot of people most of the time, but he’s a super strong LGBTQ+ ally, and will fight you if you get someone’s pronouns wrong. He and his girlfriend are definitely into witchcraft/voodoo, which you might forget about until he starts chanting during your Psych exam.