Making friends and meeting people can sometimes be hard, but it’s very important to not just settle for any old person. If you think the crazies are wandering the streets of NYC late at night, you’re wrong. They’re the ones who live down the hall, share a class with you, wait in front of you in the line at Wiggins, and who you give a slight nod to when walking down middle path. They are always nearby, under the radar, so in order to help you filter them out, here are red flags to look out for in your peers:

1. Writes for a school humor blog. I feel like this goes without saying, but I still thought it should be included anyway. These hermits can be observed walking around campus in a general state of confusion, maybe because their lack of sleep, terrible eating habits, or just general lack of awareness, but no matter what the reason, these oblivious individuals are generally uncomfortable to be around and should be avoided at all costs.
2. Anyone who starts a conversation with “crazy year, am I right?” Nightmare fuel. I had hoped that hearing this phrase would be left as mere memories of silent car rides with my father, but alas, there is no escape. I thought it would only last during orientation, but I’m starting to think that it’s a pre-recorded response programmed into these self proclaimed “freethinkers”. Robots I tell you, government robots, sleeper agents if you will, waiting to be activated by the response phrase of a fellow agent, “Hashtag I survived quarantine!”
3. Buys the $8 diluted vodka handles from Marathon by preference. I get it, times are tough, especially with Ohio’s $8.80 minimum wage, so I’m never gonna clown a fellow who in desperation buys Caldwell’s 21% paint thinner. However, stay away from any drunken psychopath who deliberately purchases that “one-way-ticket to going blind in their 30’s” vodka due to sheer preference. You can distinguish these fools by their foaming mouths, sunken eyes, and that pungent smell of your divorced uncle at thanksgiving.
4. Crippling nicotine addiction. How could anyone do this to themselves. I’ve seen families, dreams, and lives ruined over this drug. So harmless on the surface, but these vaporizers and zyns cut deep into your neural pathways. It’s just one cigarette? Will you still be saying that when you’re sitting slumped against the Gambier post office shaking a cup full of change at passersby. Listen to Reagan, just say no. This red flag is a pretty monumental one because these people will peer pressure you and that’s not what true friends do.
5. It’s me I’m sorry it’s all me I can’t take it anymore what have I stooped down to and become??? This is no longer some clever blog post, lightly generalizing students who attend Kenyon, but instead a memoir of self loathing and disgust towards this unrecognizable version of “me”. Do I not have standards and morals? Will I blindly follow social norms like a sheep being led off a cliff just to feel like I fit in and have a place where I might belong? Where did that sweet 7th grader who my parents loved go? I’m spiraling, digging myself deeper into this dark pit. I know I’ll soon reach the point of no return, but for now I will simply sulk in this gloom, knowing nothing will change no matter how badly I want it to.
6. Ultimate Frisbee.