You think owls are smart don’t you. Don’t you. You think they’re ~wise~. Well you’ve been drinking the same strigiforme lobbyist slop that manifested Hedwig and that Winnie-the-Pooh owl who thinks he can read into our public consciousness. But owls haven’t got the processing power of a desktop abacus.

Let me learn ya something. Owls have eyes so big they can’t fit a properly sized brain inside their skulls. The Evolution StatSheet Master in the sky speced these binoculars with wings all the way into the sensory skill-tree and left them to twiddle their fourteen neurons like a three year old biting the buttons off a TI-84 calculator.

Wanna know what the auto google search response is to “how smart are owls”? As follows: “Owls are as intelligent as their environments require them to be” (Google 1).

Imagine this. One of your professors asks another of your professors, “How smart is Wallace?” And Professor #2 responds to Professor #1: “Wallace is about as intelligent as their environment requires them to be.”

Wallace. My friend. They just called you a moron.

But I’m not complaining about our new moniker. On the contrary, I think it’s an entirely appropriate mascot for the aggregate college student.

Owls see and voyeur more than they can think. They eat their own kind. They have very suspiciously dilated pupils. They have weeeee bitty little brains.

We have all been owls for a long, long while.

strigiforme is the taxonomical order for owls