⚠️ IT’S TIME TO BE REAL ⚠️

Is what Johnny Mozzarella (’26) gutturally screamed before telling Catherine Jones, a junior Zeta, that her white AF1s were too clean.

“It was really freaking me out. She must not run through the mud a lot, or visit many sticky basements. Which means she doesn’t go out at Kenyon enough, so I feel really bad for her” Mozzarella told The Thrill. He also emailed our editing team two days after the initial interview, hoping to reiterate that Jones was “kinda sus.” Jones declined to comment.

Unfortunately, as far as Johnny’s night went, the interaction with Jones was comparatively tame. He ultimately went on an insult brigade and even threatened violence to Colin Collins (’25) because “his eyes are too far apart.” When asked what prompted this fit of rage and criticism toward his classmates, Mozzarella stated “Your Honor, I was just Being Real.”

We’re not really sure why he said that. No one on The Thrill staff has ever been appointed as a state or federal judge.

Some think the confusion was inevitable, as there was no declaration of a theme for the party aside from its sponsorship by popular social media app BeReal. We reached out to the massive media conglomerate Waystar Royco for information on how these parties typically operate, but then we remembered that they don’t own BeReal and that Succession is a fictional TV show.

We sent one of our field reporters (AKA me when I dropped my friend off at her Mcilvaine) to Delta Tau Delta’s fraternity lodge in hopes of getting context to what exactly the theme and/or objective of the event was. On the prowl for BeReal merch or related decor, all I saw was caution tape lining the entrance. Maybe that was to warn against shit getting too real, but general perplexion still surrounded what this might entail.

An anonymous source who is not my housemate said “If I don’t have a theme I can’t go to a party, I never know what to wear or do, so I have no choice but to go fuck myself.”

Others disagree with anon. The brothers of Delta Tau Delta, who definitely talked to me about this before I wrote it, are of the mindset that they wanted to contribute something fun to a campus so obsessed with taking high-angle selfies of them watching The Bachelor or standing on an NCA coffee table in purple LED lighting.

Senior Delt and Associate Director of Booling Jake Heisenripbauer expressed his wishes that Kenyon could just “chill” and enjoy things.

Heisenripbauer does not know that Mozzarella declared his Mama was so old that she had to take her BeReals on a phonograph, and we hope he’s not mad that he’s finding out this way. We also hope that Mozzarella learns what a phonograph actually is.

GeneREAL consensus- Kenyon students need to learn to take it easy and have fun. But not too much fun.

Since the publication of this article, Johnny Mozzarella has been dirty rushing Delt after shotgunning three Busch Lights and getting a respectable head-nod from one of the brothers.