Let’s not beat around the bush here.
You’re nearly three months into the school year, and you haven’t gotten nearly as much action as you’d hoped for. Sure, you’ve misplaced your K-Card countless times: in the laundry room, at an NCA party, between the cushions of a Chalmer’s couch. Maybe you’ve even been through the humiliating ordeal of shelling out $20 to get a replacement. But try as you might, despite your carelessness, you just can’t seem to lose your V-Card. Well, never fear, dear reader. The Thrill is here to help!
In my incredible generosity, I’ve laid out five different paths for you to follow. That way, if you screw up, you have a backup plan. (Just like how Kenyon was your backup when you didn’t get into Mommy and Daddy’s Ivy of choice!) These tips and tricks are guaranteed to get you laid. I pinky promise.
You can thank me later!
♥ ♥ ♥
- Go to the bookstore!
When the cashier asks how you’d like to pay, coyly reply with, “Do you take V-Cards?” (Bite your lip for extra pizzazz.) If they say yes, there you go. The two of you can make sweet, sweet love between the stacks of Penguin Classics. Make sure to chew some gum so that your breath is minty fresh for the occasion!
- Play an instrument!
More specifically, play either the bass or the drums. If you match this description, call me. Your V-Card problem will be solved lickety-split. ;)
- Hornypost on YikYak!
If you’ve spent any time at all scrolling through YikYak, then you’ll know everyone on the app is chronically horny and looking for love (or at least a sneaky link). Thanks to the new DM feature, you can finally act on your deepest desires. Either make a post of your own or reply to someone else’s, and next thing you know, you’ll be on your way to a complete stranger’s dorm for a night of sensual pleasures.
- Use reverse psychology!
Loudly proclaim to everyone around you that you’ve taken a vow of chastity. Make sure you’re seen reading The Art of Happiness in Peirce. Start wearing those cool orange robes. People always want what they can’t have. Soon everyone will be dying to see what’s underneath that nun’s habit.
- Become Amish!
The Amish looove having lots of children. After all, that butter isn’t going to churn itself. Find yourself a nice eligible husband or wife, get married, and start cranking ‘em out. Sure, you’ll have to renounce technology, but I’m sure you’ll be too busy having passionate Amish intercourse to notice.
♥ ♥ ♥
So there you have it: five foolproof ways to get down and dirty here at Kenyon College. You’ve got this! I have the utmost confidence in you; with the help of an expert like me, you’re sure to lose that pesky little v-card in no time. And be sure to drop a comment if any of these strategies worked for you. We here at The Thrill would love to hear from you.
The Kenyon Thrill 
My pastor helped me on this one!