If Every Kenyon Dorm Was a Disney Ride, Here’s What They’d Be

Have you ever been taking a shower in your dorm’s mildewy gender neutral bathroom and thought man, this is just like Splash Mountain? Or maybe been eating your Amish dessert in Peirce and strongly believed that they could upcharge this for $12 at Magic Kingdom? So have we! Here’s what the Kenyon residence halls would be if they were a little bit more magical.

McBride: Space Mountain

Ah, McBride: the mother of all dormitories. Your year living in McBride will be a year you’ll never forget. It’s huge, it’s loud, and you will definitely get whiplash. The lighting is so dingy it might as well be black, there’s always eclectic music playing, and there is no written record of how the hallways are laid out.

North Campus Apartments: Thunder Mountain

The NCAs are popular, apartment-style housing notorious for their Saturday night party scene. They could only be the equivalent of a giant mountainous train ride that will leave you mildly concussed and thinking, why the fuck did I ride that?

Mather: Haunted Mansion

Mather is identical to McBride in physical appearance, but its social scene leaves much to be desired. Its eerie halls and odd mural choices are enough to leave anyone a little bit shaken. Residents report strange wails from various dormitories, chills down their spine, and disembodied ghost narration.

Gund: Pirates of the Caribbean

Gund is quirky, fun, and decaying slightly- making it none other than everybody’s favorite pirate-themed river ride. It has kind of a strange smell, but don’t worry about it! Focus on the singing pirates!

Norton: The Hall of Presidents

Hey, we all love Norton and its reliable uneventfulness. You have to give their residents snaps for being so dedicated to their studies and turning in at 7:30 PM each night. But nobody wants to waste their Fast Pass to go listen to Abe Lincoln talk about his devotion to his country for eleven minutes.

Caples: The Tower of Terror

The looming eyesore of the Gambier skyline that is Caples could only be the Tower of Terror. Getting up to your desired floor requires a rickety elevator ride that you probably should have signed a waiver for, and its residents are equally frightening.

Unity House: Jungle Cruise

You never know what you’re going to get at Unity House, and that could be anything from a free condom to a loose Mole! Thanks to their most recent All Stu, we know that every visit to Unity House will be an animal-filled adventure.

Old K: Spaceship Earth

Kenyon’s landmark residence hall Old K is postcard-worthy and beautiful from the outside. But there’s a reason most people don’t know there’s a ride inside the Epcot Ball. Old K’s mess of an interior will leave you wanting nothing but a map and some Advil.

The Mods: Country Bear Jamboree

Nobody really knows what happens in the Mods, or why they’re there. But they certainly will provide you with a “wild and wooly good time.”

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