If you check your “allstu” emails or scan the Collegian, you’ve definitely seen someone complaining about Kenyon’s rampant animal infestation. Rats and bats, raccoons and squirrels… if a species is small and furry, there are almost certainly specimens lurking on campus, eagerly awaiting the opportunity to steal your DoorDash order.

But what if I told you that all that has been a distraction. Yes, all the hubbub about rabid bats and dumpster-diving raccoons is misdirection. Kenyon has a far more serious rodent problem, and the administration is trying to cover it up. I’m talking about mousy brunettes. They’ve run rampant on campus, and it’s time we take action. I intend for this article to serve as an instruction manual. Keep reading for a guide on how to identify, capture, and relocate these murine menaces.

Identification: The typical mousy brunette is physically small, but she often attempts to appear larger by wearing a North Face puffer and Dr. Martens. This is a common intimidation tactic, but don’t let it unnerve you. Her most distinguishing feature is her sharp, scheming stare; her beady, glittering eyes are always on the move. The tawny hair from which she gets her name is either hidden under a beanie or swept into a mess by the wind. She is perpetually searching for something to gnaw on, and she can often be found using her sharp little teeth to mangle a cigarette.

Capture: Like any pest, the mousy brunette is best caught using bait. Pop culture has led you to believe that her favorite food is cheese, but that’s an urban legend. What she really loves is sweets; due to her small size and frenetic energy, she is constantly striving to keep her blood sugar levels high enough. To set your trap, I recommend making a trail out the most sickeningly sweet cereal that Peirce has to offer. Once you’ve lured her to a location where you have the high ground, drop a comically large cardboard box down on top of her. (Just remember to poke some holes for ventilation.)

Relocation: Despite her pesky nature, the mousy brunette is a gentle creature at heart. The most humane and practical way to deal with her is the catch-and-release method. After spending so long at Kenyon, she likely does not have the necessary skills to survive in the wild, so you should make sure to relocate her to an urban or suburban environment. She probably has dreams of making it big in New York as a poet or playwright or something, so one option is to release her into the MoMA and watch her scurry like a lab rat in a maze. Or, if taking her across state lines is too much of a hassle, you can always bleach her hair blonde and ship her off to OSU.

Well, that’s all the advice I have to offer. I hope that you’ve found these tips and tricks useful. I’m always happy to help eliminate my competition keep Kenyon pest free!