Warning: I am not liable for any dorm fires or inedible food. I haven’t actually *tried* any of these recipes (yet!), but I’ve watched 10 seasons of the Great British Baking Show, so I’ve given myself permission to compose a list of some scrumptious foods for your culinary delight. Please note that you will need a microwave or the iron your parents sent you to school with that will never otherwise be used.
- Surprise Cake-y Pudding
- You really just need some sort of base and a liquid. Go crazy. Crushed cereal with milk, chocolate powder with chocolate milk, or for a savory treat, try Cheeto dust and spicy McDonald’s Sprite– whatever your heart desires. Mix ingredients in the microwave-safe mug you don’t remember buying, then microwave (1:30-2:00 minutes) until it changes texture (extra points if it doesn’t taste like plastic or explode).
- Frites au Microwave
- I’m not totally convinced this will be edible, but a little optimism is good for the soul. Heads up, it will require about 2 months of prep work, so patience is key. First, foster a friendship with a friendly, neighborhood farmer, working your way up to asking for potatoes. Then, cut the potatoes into the shape of fries with either a knife or pair of scissors. Conversely, crush up a bunch of potato chips and mix them with a little water, then shape. Drown with whatever cooking oil you manage to find, or better yet, butter! Actually, just use butter, it’ll be better. Anyway, use a lot because –seriously, now’s not the time to be shy– and microwave until they are, in fact, the texture of French fries.
- Acquire a tortilla from Peirce (bonus points if it’s one of the green ones because green means healthy). Take a nice handful of shredded cheese (this will be harder to sneak out, but I believe in you!) and spread it on top of half the tortilla. Fold, and iron until gooey.
- French Toast
- Go to the farm, and smuggle out a chicken and cow. Befriend the chicken and cow, and give them nice names…Eloise, Sabrina, Bertha? Keep the aforementioned chicken in your room until it lays an egg. Crack the egg and whisk with a “borrowed” Pierce fork, spoon, etc. in a “borrowed” bowl, combining with some milk (from the cow) and cinnamon (from Wiggins). Put a piece of bread in, and let the egg mixture soak in, then flip it. Iron until you forget the chicken’s name. Remember: cook well, but salmonella is a curable disease…
- Classic Grilled Cheese
- This needs no fancy name. Simply smuggle out 2 pieces of bread and whatever cheese you can find from the super cool sandwich station. Turn ingredients into a sandwich, and iron.
Bonus Recipe: Homemade butter!
- This requires neither a microwave nor an iron, but I saw a TikTok and would like someone to test it. All it takes is heavy whipping cream (made from the cow’s milk you got for the French toast), a mason jar (or some stolen tupperware), and the will and stamina to keep shaking the jar until the contents look like butter. It doesn’t seem that hard, but I think it would be quite an accomplishment.
In Conclusion: As Gusteau said in Ratatouille, “Anyone can cook…but only the fearless can be great!” So I say, why not? Try something new, and maybe you’ll actually like it… Or at least it’ll save you a trip to Peirce!