Bitch Better Have My Money.

Now that sports betting is legal in Ohio, the day after The Superbowl has called for triumphant celebration for some. For others, namely girlfriends of athletes and econ majors, it has become a day of damage control. Regardless of last night’s game and what it did to your bank account, fret no more. The fun doesn’t have to end– here is a tried (by the Thrill Staff) and true (disclaimer: we love to lie. I might be lying right now) list of things you can bet on besides the NFL.

1. Whether or not Rhianna is pregnant Nevermind, she confirmed is. This article is also serving as a public apology to my roommate, who I told was wrong to comment on a woman’s postpartum weight. I am also sorry that I said it was “impossible” and that she would have had to “bone in the hospital.” And lastly, I am sorry that I opened this article by talking about her pregnancy and not her insanely show-stopping talent. That’s the real news here, babies be damned.
2. The Dog Agility Invitational They are fast as fuck boii, but who’s the fastest? This might not count if you’re trying to avoid sports betting and consider dog agility a sport (and rightfully so, they are very talented). But it’s certainly unique. $50 on the cute sheepdog. No wait I feel bad the Italian greyhound is really cute too. And the beagle. Wait a second.
3. The Weather 60 degrees in February? Not the safest bet but someone’s gonna be up while the life expectancy of this planet goes down.
4. How Long Your Roommate’s Situationship Will Last Maybe this is wrong. Maybe it’s unethical to gamble with someone else’s relationship, loosely defined or otherwise. Maybe they’ll get married. Maybe him commenting the word “Nice!” on her bikini picture on Hinge will turn out to be the ultimate meet-cute. But more likely than not, it’ll be a matter of quick months. And you can use the money you earned to buy your friend Consolation Chipotle.
5. Which Black and White Commercials Will End Up Being an Honest-to-God Advertisement for Jesus Christ. This isn’t an ad for ending poverty or hunger, though the somber introduction might try to convince you that this is the case. Nope, this is a 100 million dollar marketing mission to draw attention to Jesus himself, who I thought everyone already knew about. You can use the money you win to actually help poor people, because the organization itself can’t now that they’re out 100 mil.
6. Skipping Rocks Two skips?? Or three???

If none of these really get your goat, we at The Thrill are always open to suggestions. Everyone gets riled up by something, and now your financial success doesn’t have to solely revolve around Patrick Mahomes’ ankle.

Disclaimer: If you’re a baby and you read this, please get amnesia. You must be 21 or older to gamble in Ohio.