A NUTTY SITUATION

Two squirrels are perched on a branch, sitting beside each other, arguing.

Squirrel #1

So you SWEAR… on your MOTHER’S life… you DIDN’T take my acorn?

Squirrel #2

ON my MOTHER’S life, I DID NOT TAKE YOUR ACORN.

Squirrel #1

(fed up) Then who the fuck did, Jeremy? I’m tired of your bullshit. This is the fifty-third time this month that one of my acorns has just ~MAGICALLY~ disappeared. I smell it on your breath when you wake up bloated at 2pm. WE ARE ROOMMATES, WHO THE FUCK ELSE COULD IT BE???

Squirrel #2

I wasn’t even here last night dude. If this is the fifty-third time one of your acorns has gone missing in the past MONTH then maybe you should tell our landlord to change the lock on our front door. There could be some lunatic squirrel breaking into our tree and eating your acorns. He could be a pervert for all we know! We don’t want this guy creeping into our tree while we’re asleep.  

Squirrel #1

I don’t need one of your sarcastic little quips. Stop changing the topic and give me a SERIOUS ANSWER here. Rent is due in 2 days and I can’t pay it all because I’m missing FIFTY-THREE acorns that you OBVIOUSLY ate! Who’s gonna pay? Are you gonna pay for fifty-three acorns of my rent this month? 

Squirrel #2

I’m just trynna lighten the mood you’re so tense right now. Chill out a bit. When did we start fighting like this? We used to be so close man. What happened? I don’t know what to tell you to make you understand that I REALLY didn’t take your acorns.

Squirrel #1

I don’t know why I even bother with you. It’s like you’re allergic to honesty. And you’re really asking what happened to us? You started leaving and staying out all night just to return in the early morning all disheveled. That’s not normal man, that’s actually really weird…(beat)

Squirrel #2

Do you like my haircut? 

Squirrel #1

I didn’t wanna ask, but now that you brought it up… you wanna tell me why the FUCK you are bald?

Squirrel #2

Do you think it looks good? Does it suit me?

Squirrel #1

Are you doing a bit right now? I actually can’t tell if you’re messing with me at this point.

Squirrel #2

I’m just trying out a new style. Give me some feedback, Nicky.

Squirrel #1

You want some feedback? You want some HONEST feedback? 

Squirrel #2

Yes, please.

Squirrel #1

You look… like a NEWBORN SQUIRREL. YOU ARE LITERALLY PINK… YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS! 

Squirrel #2

oh… I thought it looked kinda good. Yeesh, man is it really THAT bad?

Squirrel #1

Yes. It is really THAT bad. (beat)

Squirrel #2

I’m sorry I come back so early in the morning. I didn’t realize it bothered you so much. It’s just that-

Squirrel #1

Coming home early? COMING HOME EARLY is what you took away from this conversation? That is ONE SINGULAR DETAIL in a series of best-selling books that I could write on shit you do that drives me nuts. I’m gonna ask one more time. DID YOU TAKE MY FUCKING ACORN?!

Squirrel #2

(sighs, pause) Yea… I did take your acorn, I’m sorry but it’s just that-

Squirrel #1

I KNEW IT, YOU RAT BASTARD I FUCKING KNEW YOU HAD YOUR GRIMEY LITTLE PAWS ALL OVER MY STASH. 

Squirrel #2

Can you please let me finish my-

Squirrel #1

Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP. You better pay for those fifty-three acorns of my rent, actually, no. You know what? I want you to pay for my entire half of the rent this month and along with that, I want- 

Squirrel #2

I have cancer, Nick. (beat) I’ve known for a few months now. That’s where I go at night. I do my chemotherapy when you’re asleep so I can spend the day with you after I wake up at 2pm. The chemo just started to really kick in and I didn’t want my fur to be all splotchy so I got it buzzed. I’m sorry I took your acorns man, I just don’t know how else to cope so I binge eat. I’ll pay your rent this month man. Soon enough my acorns will hold no value to me anymore.

Squirrel #1

Don’t say that Jeremy.

Squirrel #2

Well it’s true, isn’t it? I’m dying. 

Squirrel #1

(sniffling) DON’T TALK LIKE THAT, MAN… (beat) why didn’t you tell me?

Squirrel #2

Would you have cared? You’ve grown distant and moody. You don’t joke with me like you used to. Do you remember how we used to run beside one another while we hunted for acorns? We see each other every day and you have nothing to say to me while all I want to do is talk with you. You’re my best friend Nicky. What happened?

Squirrel #1

It’s just been weird since that night we drank all that sap and ended up kissing. I know it didn’t mean anything but it definitely changed our friendship. 

Squirrel #2

I didn’t know you were still thinking about that. I thought we had moved past that night. 

Squirrel #1

(quietly) I haven’t. (beat)

Squirrel #2

I’m sorry Nicky. I’ve just needed some support these past few months and I think eating your acorns was almost a cry for help, reaching out to you, trying to get your attention. 

Squirrel #1

(pause) I can’t believe you have cancer. I’m sorry I’ve been hung up. You are my best friend I shouldn’t be treating you so terribly. What can I do for you?

Squirrel #2

If it’s not too much to ask, could you maybe come to chemo with me every now and then?

Squirrel #1

Of course Jeremy. I love you, bro, you’ll get through this. I’m here for you man, and hey you don’t need to pay my rent. I can get some more acorns, it’s no problem. I just didn’t like being lied to. 

Squirrel #2

Thank you dude, I’m sorry I won’t hide anything from you anymore. I’ll get you those fifty-three acorns.

Squirrel #1

Thank you. Can we just start over and be friends again?

Squirrel #2

Totally.

Squirrel #1

Awesome. I’m nuts about you man.

Squirrel #2

I’m nuts about you too homie. (they embrace)

—The End—

(I can’t believe you read all of that, get a life bozo)