Everybody knows that one of the best parts about attending Kenyon is getting back to your roots and connecting with nature. Rolling cornfields, wide open skies, and entire ecosystems of wildlife… some of them living in our very own residence halls! We took the liberty of interviewing some of these critters in hopes of better understanding our very own tree of life.

The Mole from Unity House

You caused quite a stir in Unity House. They even sent an All-Stu about your presence back in September. Do you have any comment about this?

Oh, do I have a comment for you. To be quite honest I found it extremely offensive. I guess everybody deserves “safe and welcoming space” but me? Moles are docile creatures. We’re not here to insult anybody. I was just very shaken by the incident.

Shaken? Elaborate.

Apparently I was “overwhelming?” Words hurt, guys. These unified assholes build a shack on my land and then get mad when I do them a favor by showing face?

So what was your intention?

What is this, an interrogation? I don’t know what my intention was. I guess to be a stress-reliving pet or something. It’s finals week, so the kids are a wreck, and I thought maybe petting a cute fuzzy animal could be a nice break from hitting the books. I know I’m no goldendoodle, but come on!

No, you’re not a goldendoodle.

Okay, that’s just not necessary. What is this for anyways? It better be at least The Collegian or something.

The Cockroach in the McBride Bathrooms

So let’s address the elephant in the room: why did you choose the bathroom to set up camp? I mean, out of all places.

Um, okay. We’re kind of stereotyping right off the bat. Not all cockroaches are the dirty, disgusting creatures that the media says we are. I wanted to do a self care night, clean myself up, use one of those Tree Hut sugar scrubs. Is there anything wrong with that?

Do cockroaches not have their own bathrooms?

No, we don’t. We don’t have our own bathrooms. What kind of a stupid question is that? We live in like, sewers and basements. So yes, I had to resort to your shitty-ass showers that don’t even have working hot water.

Okay, excuse me for asking.

Yeah. Go excuse yourself and use your gross showers that will now be cockroach free. You’re welcome.

That One Really Cute Puppy from an Unknown NCA

I just want to start off by saying I’m a really huge fan of yours. Like, every time I see you it just makes my day.

Um, wow. Thanks, I guess? I don’t know, man. I’m not that special. I’m just a dog. Pretty privilege has it’s perks. But sometimes I’ll just be walking or something, and it’s like, every person on this campus just needs to come pet me. It gets kind of exhausting after a while. Being beautiful is just one part of me. I’m really mulitfacted. I’ve actually got a sci-fi novella in the works right now.

So you don’t like being pet?

Look, everyone needs some physical contact every once in a while. Sometimes a warm hand on your muzzle is nice. But it’s like, are we actually being emotionally intimate with each other? Or do you only want my body?

I have to ask: how does kibble actually taste?

Honestly, man, it boils down to personal preference. One pup’s trash is another pup’s treasure. I don’t mind it. It’s kind of like Peirce food. Yes, it gives me temporary IBS, but I’m no bitch-ass Poodle, so I’ll eat it.

Who’s a good dog?

Me.