Hello and welcome to the inaugural meeting of Kenyon’s very own Situationship Support Group!
It’s both exciting and concerning to see so many of you here. Before we get started, I’d like to go over a few expectations and guidelines for how this meeting will go.
Firstly, everything discussed in this meeting is completely confidential. You can be completely honest here; nothing is off limits. If you want to name drop or go into excruciating detail about your emotional strife, that is A-OK. I’m definitely not only saying this because I want to feel better about my own pathetic love life. Not an ounce of schadenfreude here, no siree-doo.
Secondly, while I know you’re anxiously awaiting that “u up?” text, I kindly ask that you all silence your cell phones out of respect for your fellow attendees. I understand that it’s a big ask; the last time I went more than ten minutes without checking my messages, I broke out in hives. But hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? The eggplant emojis can wait.
Thirdly, this is a judgment-free zone. We’ve all gotten up to shenanigans with our situationships, and there’s no shame in it. So even if you find someone’s sexual habits utterly repulsive, I ask that you keep your thoughts to yourself. Everyone is valid here, even people who find mullets sexy.
Finally, while I’m honored that so many of you showed up, there’s a certain someone who I’m going to have to ask to leave. I know for a fact that last October 14th, you hooked up with my current situationship. No, I will not be revealing how I obtained that information. That’s not the point. The point is that I started this support group and I make the rules and I want you to fuck off and die.
Okay, now that we’ve gotten the basics out of the way, why don’t we all go around and introduce ourselves? Who wants to go first? How about you with the runny mascara and voodoo doll? Awesome! Take it away, girl!